


Before and After

by Alphie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: A New Dawn - John Jackson Miller, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bad Jokes, Blind Kanan Jarrus, Canonical Character Death, Coping, Ezra Bridger - Freeform, F/M, Galactic Cussing, Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios - Freeform, Jacen Syndulla - Freeform, Kanan can't cook, Kanan is a flirt, Lightsabers, Mentioned Luke Skywalker, Mild Language, Parental Hera Syndulla, Parental Kanan Jarrus, Sabine Wrenn, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-04-14 14:47:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14138268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alphie/pseuds/Alphie
Summary: A look at a series of first time moments between Hera and Kanan in their shifting relationship before and after Malachor. Some happy, some challenging. Rating may change later.





	1. BEFORE - FOOD

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly folks, I don't have time for these two to be eating away at my brain, but they won't leave me alone. When this happens to me and I get so fixated on a fictitious relationship, the only way I can get it out of my head is to write. So here are a series of moments that have been plaguing my mind. I've tried to make some sort of sense out of them. I don't have a beta reader and would love for someone to shoot idea off of. If you're interested, let me know. 
> 
> Thank you to those who have left kudos and comments on my other work in this fandom. This story kind of fits with that one.

BEFORE - 

“What is that smell?” The question came with a strange contortion on Hera’s face. Something was burning and it was creating quite a stink. It wasn’t anything electric, which gave her a slight sense of peace knowing her ship wasn’t falling apart. 

However, that meant that stench was from something… organic. She sniffed the air. Yes, it was definitely meat of some kind. Burnt meat. What in the name of the Goddess was being burned? Or even more worrisome…who?

Hera made her way down from the cockpit into the main belly of the Ghost and headed in the direction of the foul stench. She found the source in the mess where she also found the source of the mess. 

And the sight left her speechless. 

Surrounded by a haze of smoke that hung low in the air, Kanan Jarrus stood in the middle of the room wearing a makeshift apron over his exposed chest. His shirt, covered in some sort of brown goo, was in a heap on the floor. In Kanan’s slime covered hand was a skewer of charred animal bits and mushy burnt vegetables. The main pieces of the animal were still on the counter. Most puzzling of all was the look of absolute pride and accomplishment that shone on his handsome face. 

Hera caught her breath, both from the smell of the petrified flesh and from the reveal of Kanan’s well-sculpted abdomen. She coughed and waved a hand in the air in an attempt to clear out the smoke and distract her eyes from where they obviously wanted to go. 

“What are you doing?”

“Hera!” He said rather enthusiastically. “You’re just in time!” 

“For what?”

“Dinner!” Some of his dark hair fell forward into his face. He’d cut it quite short for a mission recently, and it had started growing back. It was long enough now to flop into his eyes. He’d used his gooey hand to brush some hair away from his face, leaving a trail of slime in his hair as he did so. 

Hera literally took a step back. “Dinner?” She couldn’t even hide the look of revulsion. 

“Yeah, I wanted to make you something special. And a guy I once did a job with told me about the Gruuvan Shaal he once enjoyed on Ryloth. So I did some research and figured out how to make it!” He held up the skewer of death as if to show her a prize he’d won. “See?”

“What is dripping all over your hand?”

“Er… I’m not sure if that’s the blood or the sauce,” he said cheerfully.

Hera nearly vomited. 

“But it’s supposed to be like that, right?”

With her hand covering her mouth, Hera shook her head no. 

Kanan suddenly frowned. “Wait. It’s not supposed to be like this?”

Again, she shook her head. “No. Not at all.”

“But it says right here…” Kanan went over to his data pad and read. “Drain the blood. Sauté in the gravy. Drizzle with blood.”

“When did you put it on the skewer?”

“Oh, that’s the last step. At least, I figured it was. The image has it on a spit being cooked over an open fire. I didn’t see anything that said when to put it on the spit, so I figured that came last. And we don’t have a spit. So, skewers are my compromise.”

Hera walked over to look at the data pad, carefully avoiding the slop and the ruined shirt on the floor. She read the instructions and then looked sideways at Kanan. “Did you actually read this closely? Or did you just get overly ambitious and think you could get by with skimming the text?”

“I read it. Why?”

“Because you’ve mixed up the recipe for Gruuvan Shaal and the recipe for Gornt with roasted vegetables.”

Kanan’s face fell. “What? I…No I…” He looked at the data pad. Then looked at the lizard like carcass on the counter. Looked at the destruction in his hands. Looked back at the data pad. And then settled his wary turquoise eyes on Hera. 

“I swear to you I was reading the Gruuvan Shaal instructions! I swear! I even went out and hand picked the dardok root myself! Damn it!” He tossed the skewer of doom into a pot on the counter. “And here I spent all damn day working on this as a surprise for you.”

“Well, I’m certainly surprised.”

He gave her a look. “That’s not what I intended.”

Hera chuckled. “Why would you feel the need to make me a dinner?”

Kanan’s eyes softened as he said, “It’s our anniversary.”

Something very personal and yet unwelcome settled in the pit of her stomach. And she knew that feeling had nothing to do with the wretched food in the room and everything to do with her ever growing feelings towards the man with the hypnotic eyes. “Anniversary?” she managed to say. 

“We’ve been flying together for a year now, and I wanted to celebrate. Do something special for you.” He looked truly distraught over his mistake. 

“I’m flattered. I am. This was very sweet. And yet disgusting at the same time.”

“I wasn’t going for sweet or disgusting.” He said, taking a step towards her and making her insides flutter.

“What were you going for?” she asked, forcing her voice to stay steady as she took a step backwards to keep a respectable distance between them. 

He shrugged. “Charming?” He stepped closer. She stepped back. “Romantic maybe?”

“I find it curious that you think bloodied and burnt meat with mushy vegetables is romantic.”

“I even have some Chandrilan raava and fresh Meiloorun fruit for dessert.”

Hera was now against the wall with no where else to go. Kanan stood solidly in front of her. “That sounds nice,” she smiled. “Meiloorun fruit is some of my favorite.” 

Kanan’s eyes seemed to get a little brighter. “Really? Don’t tell me I did something right in this mess?”

“You do lots of things right.”

He took another slight step forward. He wasn’t touching her, but he was close enough where she could feel his breath on her skin. “Would you be interested in sharing some raava and fruit with me? And maybe I could show you a few more things I can do very well?”

Hera swallowed, and very sternly said. “No.”

Whatever confidence Kanan had gained disappeared as his shoulders slumped in rejection. “Why not?”

“Because, like I said, I don’t find blood and goo inviting let alone romantic.” She slid out from the side and went to open the cooler where she found the fruit and the raava. Once she collected them in her hands, she turned to face him with a bright smile. “I’m going to go enjoy these up in the cockpit and look at the stars. You are going to clean up yourself and this room and then join me in the cockpit where we can…”

Kanan’s eye brows went up in anticipation. 

“…We can talk and have a good laugh over this whole thing. Like crew mates do. Like partners do. Like friends do.” 

“Friends?” he asked. 

“Friends,” she said. 

Kanan nodded. “You sure you don’t want to join me in the shower? ‘Cause I think that’d be more fun.”

Hera rolled her eyes. “I don’t know what’s more troublesome: the fact that you said that, or that you thought a line that bad would work.”

He chuckled. “Hey, I have to keep trying.”

“Yeah, you’re very trying.”

And with a soft twirl of her head, and an inviting swish of her lekku, Hera headed back to the cockpit.


	2. AFTER - FOOD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day one after Malachor. Over breakfast, Hera gets her first glimpse of how different their little world is going to be from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts the hard comparisons between the two life situations. I still don't have a beta reader, so please forgive the mistakes. 
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, especially to delinquentsfromsky and LadyDi418, and to castles_and_crowns for the comments.

AFTER -

 

Blind. 

Blind. 

She kept repeating the word in her head as if she was going to miraculously make sense of it and the devastating changes that had taken place in their little family unit.  

Blind.  

He was blind. 

Totally blind.

And the questions that came with that word wouldn’t end.

What now? What would they do now? What should she do for him? What does he need? How do they move forward? How will this change things? How will he survive? How will they survive? How will she survive without him? 

 _Stop it!_

She sat up in her bunk knowing that she wasn’t going to get any sleep. She’d basically been awake all night. The same questions played over and over again through her mind. And every time she came to the same conclusion… Kanan was a Jedi.  He’d work through this.  And it wasn’t like he was dead.  Goddess forbid the thought.  He was still here.  Still alive.  He was just…blind.  

 _Just_ blind. 

As if adding an adverb made the description any less painful.  He was still blind. 

Determined to focus her mind on something else. Hera got out of bed, got dressed, and headed out to the galley to make something to eat for a morning meal.  It was still very early, so she’d have a while to herself to… think.  Plan. Worry? No, she had to focus on something – anything else.  

She started off by setting the kaffe maker to brew an extra thick pot.  She then found the gallito eggs and tailring bacon in the cooling unit and began breaking the eggs up into a bowl.  

* crack *

She wasn’t going to think about it.  _Kanan._  

* crack *

She wasn’t going to think about it.  _Blind_. 

* crack * 

No.  Don’t think about it.  _Zeb said his eyes were white._  

* crack* 

Who was she kidding.  Kanan was all she could think about.

She looked down into the bowl and groaned.  She’d only meant to make one egg.  Maybe two. She’d cracked four.  Four large gallito eggs were more than Zeb could eat. Well, she’d have to cook them all or they would spoil. She grabbed a spoon and started whipping away a little too harshly, taking some of her anger and fear out on the food.  Satisfied, she dumped them into a pan and set them over the heating coils.

Still frustrated with her inability to quiet her thoughts, she ripped the tailring bacon into strips and plopped them down onto the grill. It was only after they were cooking that she realized how uneven the pieces were. She sighed and thought, _Who cares?_  

The room filled with the sounds of bacon frying and eggs cooking.  She flipped a strip of the bacon over and heard the sizzle increase. Her curiosity mixed with a feeling of helplessness led her to close her eyes and just listen.  Listen to the sounds. Listen to the world. What would it be like to only have what you could hear and never what you could see? How long could she keep this up? 

The bacon cracked and a splatter of hot grease hit the top of her hand.  

“Ouch!” she jumped, opening her eyes and looking down at the red welt on her hand.  

So much for keeping her eyes closed. But that wouldn’t be an option for Kanan.

She finished cooking, served herself up a plate, and took it over to the table. She filled her cup of kaffe and didn’t even bother with any sweetener this time.  She needed something bitter.  Something brutal.  Maybe that would snap her out of these thoughts.  

She sat down, picked up a fork, stabbed at her food, and then…gave up.  How could she possibly eat when this whole situation made her sick to her stomach? Resting her elbows on the table, she covered her face with her hands and sat alone with her dark thoughts.  

“Smells good.” His voice was soft and smooth.  Calm. Too calm. 

Hera looked up to see Kanan standing in the doorway, one hand placed on the frame, feeling his way into the room, the other hand slightly in front of himself.  His eyes were bandaged with bacta strips connected to the medical stabilizer helping him heal. But Hera knew better. This was a lightsaber wound. No one comes back from a lightsaber wound without permanent scars. 

“Good morning, love,” she said trying to hide the anxiety in her voice. 

Kanan’s head turned to the side as if he were looking for the source of the sound. Looking for her. Her heart sank as she realized he would never again see her.  “Morning, Hera.” 

Did he say morning or mourning? The second one was more appropriate.  

“I didn’t hear you come down,” she said. 

He lifted up a bare foot.  “I couldn’t find my boots. I think I took them off in the galley, but I can’t remember. Yesterday was…” 

Yesterday.  Goddess, was that really only yesterday? 

“We’ll find them. I made breakfast.  Are you hungry?”

“I’m starving, actually.  I didn’t really…eat…much…yesterday.” His hesitation over talking about yesterday didn’t go unnoticed. 

“Well, there’s plenty if you want some.” 

“Bacon and eggs?” he asked.

“Yes. I can get you some.” She started to stand up.

“No, it’s ok.  I can do it. You’re already sitting down.  Right?” 

Hera nodded. 

“Hera? Are you sitting down?” 

“Yes.” She realized her mistake. “Sorry.  I nodded.” 

“I can’t hear a head nod.” 

“I know.” 

Blast it! How could he be so calm about this? 

“I can get it on my own.  You go ahead and eat.” 

He walked to the counter, his hands stretched out in front of him until his foot hit a box Ezra had left on the floor.  Hera hadn’t even noticed it before now. 

“What is that?” 

“It’s Ezra’s scrap tools.  I’ve told him not to leave this out.” 

“I’ll just push it under here,” he said, using his foot to move the box against the wall and out of the way.  

Hera held her breath and watched as his hands now did the work his eyes used to do.  His fingers lightly brushed over the items on the counter as he took in where and what everything was.  “Careful!” she warned. His head turned slightly over his shoulder. “It’s hot. I don’t want you to get…”  She couldn’t finish the sentence. 

“I won’t burn myself,” he said in that too calm voice. 

She could almost hear his mental check list as his hands moved from left to right.  Towel. Pan with eggs. Plate of bacon. Empty counter top. Steamer of kaffe. He’d missed a few items. She wondered if she should tell him. 

His hands then went higher until he found the upper cabinet.  He knowingly opened the first one and reached in for a plate and set it down on the counter.  Then he reached back up and ran his hands over the mugs. He was looking for his favorite, Hera could tell. And he wasn’t going to find it in there because she was using it. She must have grabbed it without noticing.  

“I have it,” she admitted.  

“What?” he asked, not turning around.  

“Your mug. You’ll have to use a different one.” 

Kanan felt over the mugs. “I just don’t want Sabine’s pink and orange one.” 

“Take the one you’re currently touching. It’s blue.” 

He did and then searched for the steamer of kaffe again. With his left hand, he held onto the mug and poured the kaffe with his right.  Hera really wanted to jump up and help for fear that he’d spill everything, but she stayed still and watched as he slipped a finger over the edge of the cup to determine just how full the glass was getting. 

That was smart.  She wondered if she would have thought of that were the situations reversed.  

Then carefully, slowly, with one hand holding the cup and the other reaching in front of him, he carried the cup to the table and very cautiously set it down.  He turned and went back to the food and found the plate on the counter.  Placing bacon on the plate was easy.  The eggs were a little more difficult because he couldn’t find the spoon.  The holder was to the right, but Hera hadn’t put it back properly. She winced as his right hand searched and searched to the right of the eggs and found nothing.

“It’s on the other side,” Hera explained. 

“Since when? The holder is on the right.”

“My mistake.” 

He fumbled with his left hand and found the spoon, but it took using both hands for him to actually manage to scoop the eggs onto the spoon and get them to the plate without dropping any. 

“I should have just used my fingers,” he said with a forced chuckle that Hera knew was there to hide his own frustration. 

He then carried his plate to the table, one hand out in front of him. He bumped his mug of kaffe with his plate and spilled it. “Damn,” he muttered as he turned and went back to search for the towel on the counter to clean it up.  But he held out the towel in front of him and said, “Here.  I’m afraid if I try to clean it up, I’ll just make it worse.” 

Hera nodded and took the towel from him to clean up the spill.  He sat down opposite from her and exhaled a heavy sigh.  “I forgot a fork.”

“I can get you one.”

“No,” he said somewhat forcefully.  “I can do it.” 

It took him much longer than it should, but he did eventually find one.  And he refilled his kaffe on his own. By the time he sat back down with a plate full of food, a fork, and his kaffe, he actually looked tired. And the food was slightly cold.  He ate it anyway, chewing slowing. Hera’s heart was slowly breaking.  

“I know that took forever,” he said sadly.

Hera nodded, not knowing what to say. 

“I know this is… awkward.  And I sense your apprehension.” 

“No, Kanan - ” she objected 

“I’m trying. Give me a little credit for that, at least.”

“I know you’re trying,” she sighed. 

“And not in the funny way, like I’m trying your patience.” 

“I didn’t mean it that way,” she said.

“You usually do, though.” 

There was a heavy silence as she stared at his bandaged eyes, wishing with every fiber of her being that this wasn’t how things were. Kanan must have sensed her mood. 

“I’ll figure it out, Hera. It’s just going to take time.”

“I know.” But what exactly would he figure out? How to maneuver in this world? Or how to deal with her fears? Would she even learn how to deal with them? How would she maneuver in his world now?

“And we still don’t know if this is… permanent,” he said waving a hand in front of his eyes. “I mean, it probably is, but… maybe…” 

Again, she nodded. 

“I can’t hear your head nod,” he reminded.

“Then how do you know I’m nodding?”

“Because I used to be able to see you. I know you and your movements.”

There was so much weight in those words that it made Hera’s heart sink.  Oh yes, he did know her, but everything was different now.  He was different.  And this would make her different.  And they would have to learn to adjust and adapt and come to terms with this new normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy times in the next chapter... here's a preview. 
> 
> "It’s a rare planet that values its natural beauty,and this view really is beautiful.”
> 
> “Very beautiful.” Kanan’s voice was low and soft. A glance out of the corner of her eyes told her that he wasn’t looking at the sunset.


	3. BEFORE - KISS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera's heart is ready for a kiss. Her brain disagrees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Amilyn for beta reading and helping me channel Hera! 
> 
> Thanks to prepare4trouble, LadyDi418, castles_and_crowns for comments and silverfox22 for kudos.

_BEFORE -_

Hera stood outside the Ghost and looked out at the sunset over Milagro. It wasn’t often that they had time to just enjoy the beauty around the galaxy like this.  But when the opportunity presented itself, Hera took advantage. They had finished their mission and would head off on a new one tomorrow.  But tonight, they could just enjoy the view. 

 _They_ …could enjoy the view.

Her mind wandered to the other person that made up her current “they” situation. If she called him out here now to watch the sunset, he’d call her out on the romance of the moment. As much as she wanted his company, she knew that having him close at a time like this was asking for trouble. Trouble that she shouldn’t want, but wanted nonetheless.  And oh boy, did she want.  

She’d known from the start that Kanan was a total flirt. She’d known all this time that his original interest in her was based on sexual attraction. It hadn’t bothered her then. So why did it bother her now? She knew that he respected her for her skills as a pilot and her intelligence, and his attraction to her had only increased. His flirting increased, too. As much as she had fought it, her attraction to him and grown as well. And her resistance to his flirting was growing weaker by the moment.

They worked together. Hell, they lived together! And they were trying to build a rebellion that would probably lead to war. And when it came right down to it, the only things she really knew about him were superficial. Things like how he liked his kaffe or his eggs. How he teased. How he seemed to _know_ the unknowable and _fix_ the unfixable.  Nothing important had ever been explained. She couldn’t get involved with him.  Not personally… and absolutely not sexually. Her brain knew this! It was her damn heart she couldn’t quite convince. Her heart…and her body… they both wanted to test the waters, so to speak. And somehow she managed to keep her brain in control.

So tonight, looking out at the reds and pinks of the sunset in Milagro’s purple sky, Hera’s brain decided that it would be better if she watched alone.

Fate obviously had other ideas. 

“Amazing view,” Kanan’s deep voice said from behind her. Her heart, suddenly thumping hard in her chest, took notice. 

“Yes, it is,” she smiled. Her brain told her to go inside. Her heart fought against it. 

“Don’t see many natural sights like that these days, do you?” He leaned up against the side of the ship close to her. 

“No, you don’t. With artificial lights and buildings blocking the view, it’s a rare planet that values its natural beauty. And this view really is beautiful.” 

“Very beautiful.” Kanan’s voice was low and soft. A glance out of the corner of her eyes told her that he wasn’t looking at the sunset. 

Her brain issued a warning. “That wasn’t what I meant.” 

“It’s all beautiful. The night is nearly perfect. The excellent view. The fresh air.” He leaned in ever so slightly. “The company.” 

Hera’s heart did a little dance. “We should go in.” 

“By going in… do you mean… to bed?’

She swallowed. “I thought I might.” 

“Sounds nice. You know what they say…” He took her hand in his. “All work and no play…” 

Hera’s body suddenly became very warm. 

“I’m not sure we should be playing.” 

Kanan’s deep chuckled sent a delicious shiver down her spine. “You’re right.  You’re absolutely right.” Then his face grew suddenly serious. “No more playing.” 

Their eyes locked. Those unique, clear turquoise eyes held fast to hers for several agonizingly heated seconds. He was so close. Too close. She could hardly even breathe and felt slightly dizzy.

No!  NO! She was not going to turn into some mushy, silly little girl and swoon over this man! No she wasn’t! She was strong and in control of her emotions. 

She placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back. “I think you’re a little confused. I said I _wasn’t_ going to play.” 

Kanan sighed and exhaled very slowly. “Ok, I am confused. What’s the deal here? What exactly is…” he waved a hand between them, “this?” 

“What do you mean,” Hera said even though she clearly knew what he was talking about. 

“This.  This thing between you and me. This… tension. Why flirt and sigh and smile and look at me the way you do if you aren’t interested? Do you take pleasure in leading me on?” 

“I do not lead you on!” she sneered, her lip curling at the suggestion. 

“You flirt and say suggestive things.” 

“What did I say?” 

“Going in to bed?” he said.

“That wasn’t an invitation,” she countered quickly.

“Or giving these long looks. And then saying you aren’t interested.” 

“I never said I wasn’t interested!” 

The words came out before her brain had a chance to process them. 

Kanan cocked his head and considered her a moment. “So, then you are interested?”

Hera groaned and covered her face with her hands. She took a few seconds to run through the possible options in her head before deciding to say anything else. Either she admitted it, which would invariably lead to some sort of physical intimacy and even possibly a relationship, or she denied it and pushed him away again. 

Her heart told her the second way only delayed the inevitable. Her head told her her heart was actually right. 

“Ok,” she snapped in a voice that was a bit too loud. “Yes.” 

“Yes?” he frowned. 

“Yes. I’m interested. In…this.” 

A sly smile crept up on Kanan’s face. But before he could say anything, Hera interrupted. 

“But that doesn’t mean I’m going to give in and start up some big relationship or get all involved with you. We work together. We’re part of a growing rebellion. We have to behave like responsible adults and respect each other’s space.” 

“I respect your space. I respect everything about you. I think you’re brilliant, and the stars know you’re by far and away the best pilot I’ve ever met. You’re kind and you care about so much. For some reason, you trust me. And if that isn’t enough to do me in, you’re also the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.” He finished his compliments by standing close to her and, once again, holding on to her eyes. 

“So what is it that you want?” she said in a low voice. 

“Gods, that voice…” his own voice trailed off and he moved even closer to her. Close enough that she could feel his body against her. Feel his breath on her face. “You have no idea what your voice does to me.” 

She looked up into his searching eyes for a long, anticipatory moment. Her nose brushed against his. His mouth was slightly open, inviting her in. 

“I want to kiss you,” he said in a sigh as his eyes closed.  

Her brain signaled her hand to press against his chest once more to push him away. 

“I know,” he grumbled.  “I know. I heard you. I am not keeping a professional distance. And regardless of how we might feel about each other, this can’t happen.” He looked down at her and smiled sadly. “I bet it would have been one hell of a kiss, though.” 

He heart hammered against her chest, begging her to give in. And just as Kanan started to turn away, her brain chimed in with _Oh, what the hell_.  

She took his face in her hands and pulled his mouth down to hers in a heated kiss that startled them both. It took Kanan a moment to realize what had happened, but then his arms slid around her waist, and he pulled her fully against him. She opened her mouth under his and savored the tangy taste of him as his tonged slipped inside. Her fingers slid up into his hair at the base of his neck. It was soft and silky. She’d never kissed a man with hair, and she decided that she liked it.  She felt Kanan’s hands dip low on her waist and down her bottom, pressing her against him so that she could feel _all_ of him. 

And that’s when her brain said she should probably stop. _Don’t go too far._  

 _Well, at least… not yet._  

She broke the kiss and leaned back to look up at him.  “Is that a lightsaber in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?” 

Kanan chuckled.  “That’s worse than my lines.” 

She shrugged. 

“But you know,” he continued, “if you want to see my lightsaber… I’d gladly whip it out.” 

She shook her head.  “Some other time, maybe.” She slipped out of his arms and headed up into the ship. 

Kanan gasped and followed her in. “You seriously aren’t going to just leave it like that.” 

“Like what?” 

“We kiss… quite possibly the best kiss I have ever experienced… and you’re just going to walk away?” 

So it was his best kiss? Her heart did a satisfied flip. She knew there had been other woman, but to know the kiss affected him as much as it did her was very powerful. Still, she wasn’t ready to just give him that information. “I am going to walk away. I have things to do. But you’re right, it was a great first kiss.” 

“First kiss implies there will be a second, maybe even a third...fourth…” 

He had her there. “Maybe,” she said climbing up the ladder to the upper level. “In the mean time, you should probably take a cold shower.” She nodded her head and eyes down at the obvious reaction he was having in his pants. 

Kanan stood up even straighter to make sure she’d get a good look. “You’re always trying to get me in the shower. Care to join me?” 

She hummed a little laugh. “Not today, but I’ll take a rain check.” 

Kanan grinned from ear to ear. “I’m going to hold you to that!” 

She knew he was being serious. And neither her heart or her brain seemed to mind.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another kiss next chapter... but very different situation. 
> 
> PREVIEW:
> 
> She could see the furrow lines form between his eyes even from under the bandage. “What you’re here for? Don’t tell me everyone else is off doing important things while you stayed behind to babysit the blind man.”


	4. AFTER - KISS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan is resistant to letting Hera see the damage done on Malachor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your support of my little indulgence. These two just won't leave me alone. Even though I know many more have read it. the following have been kind enough to leave a comment, kudos, or bookmark. If you've never written a fan fic, then you don't understand how much it means when you get any feedback at all. 
> 
> Thanks for:  
> COMMENTS - rebelsfromstars  
> KUDOS - PathoftheRaven, LadyDI418, delinquentsfromsky, castles_and_crowns, silverfox22, Radaghast  
> BOOKMARK - comentter
> 
> And to Amilyn for the great beta read, conversation, and for leading me to read some of the best Rebels fan fiction out there! I'm not worthy.

_**AFTER -** _

“Do you know where Zeb is?” Kanan asked from the doorway of the Ghost. 

“He’s out getting some fresh supplies before we leave,” Hera answered. 

“Oh, that explains why I can’t sense him here.” 

“No, it’s just you and me,” she said, hoping he could hear her smile. 

He couldn’t, of course. “Oh, okay. Thanks.” He turned to leave, reaching his hands out in front of him. 

“What did you need?” she called to him. 

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” 

“Kanan, what is it that you need Zeb for?” 

He sighed. “I wanted him to tell me… never mind.” 

“Kanan Jarrus, talk to me!” Kanan stopped but didn’t turn around. Hera hopped out of her seat in the cockpit and went to him. His eyes were still bandaged and his face was getting scruffy looking from the beard he hadn’t shaved. “What did you need?”

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

“It’s not a bother. That’s what I’m here for.” 

She could see the furrow lines form between his eyes even from under the bandage. “What you’re here for? Don’t tell me everyone else is off doing important things while you stayed behind to babysit the blind man.” 

She winced. “That’s not it.  I’m doing systems checks.” 

“And baby sitting.” 

“Well, you have been behaving like a baby lately.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Not talking to anyone.” 

“I’m meditating,” he countered. 

“Hiding in your bunk.” 

“I trip over crap out here.” 

“You’re pushing us all away.” 

“And how is that being a baby?”

“You could ask for help.”

“I am asking for help. That’s why I came out to find Zeb.” 

“But you won’t take help from me?” she challenged.  

“It’s just easier with Zeb.” 

“Why?” 

“It just is. Now excuse me, but I think you should get back to your all-important systems checks. That you already did. Yesterday.” 

Damn Jedi powers of observation. 

“But of course, a baby wouldn’t notice that you’ve already done the checks.” He turned and walked away, his right hand out against the wall. “Or even a blind man.”

“Okay, so I stayed behind.” She hurried up behind him. “Everybody left early this morning and you hadn’t yet graced us with your presence. So I stayed behind in case you needed help with anything.  Which you do.” 

“Why not just ask me if I needed anything before they left?” 

“They wanted to wake you up, but I wouldn’t let them because I knew you’ve had trouble sleeping.” 

She noticed that Kanan reacted to that last statement.  He wasn’t the only one who took notice of irregular behavior going on around him. 

“You didn’t have to stay. I’m not completely incompetent.” 

“I didn’t say that you were, just that you might need help.” He had always been so stubborn. He was even more so now that he couldn’t see. 

“You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

“Not until you tell me what Zeb could do that I apparently can’t do.” 

“Lots of things. He can lift a speeder bike, punch out a dozen troopers with his bare hands, grow hair. Take your pick.” 

She crossed her arms and popped a hip. “Very funny.”

“And yet you aren’t laughing.” 

“That’s not what I meant. What did you want Zeb to do that you don’t think I can do?’ 

Kanan looked as if he was going to give another rude retort, but had second thoughts. His shoulders dropped.  “My burns hurt,” he said softly. 

Hera stilled. It had been a little more than a month since Maul had blinded him, and in all of that time, Kanan hadn’t talked to her about it. At least, nothing of significance. In fact, he’d kept her at a very uncomfortable distance. He hadn’t really said anything to her at all in the last few weeks. Just a few comments in passing. It was very lonely given how close they had once been. And if she was lonely in the bright and colorful world of the sighted, he had to be even more lonely in his darkness. 

“I can’t find the bacta strips,” he said. 

“I think they’re in the medic kit.” 

“I tried that and couldn’t find them, but then, I’m a bit… limited.” 

Hera wanted to reach out and touch his face in the way that she always did in the past, but she resisted. He didn’t want to be coddled, but rather included. “How about we go look for them together. You tell me where you looked, and I’ll see if they’ve been moved or if you’re just missing them.” 

Kanan nodded and gestured for her to go in front. They made their way into the galley and over to the medic kit on the counter. “Yes, the bacta strips are here, they’re just in the wrong box.” 

“Where?” Kanan asked, and he held out his hands to her. “Show me.” 

Hera swallowed back the lump in her throat as she looked down at his hands. Taking hold of them, she placed them over the metal box to the left of the station.  Kanan opened up the box and felt inside. “Who put them in here? They can dry out in here?” 

“I don’t know, but I’ll put them in the right place.” 

“No,” Kanan said picking up a large stack of the strips, “I know where they go.” He opened the lid on the small bacta container, put the strips inside, and sealed the lid. His fingers skimmed over the counter to find the two strips he left out as well as some salve. “Thanks for your help.” 

Hera watched as he headed towards his bunk, again with one hand holding the salve out in front of him against the wall, the other hand holding the strips.  She followed behind. “Do you need help applying the strips?” 

“No, I think I can do it.”

“You think? Haven’t you done it before? 

“Not really. Zeb usually helps.” 

She knew that. Every time he’d needed some attention to his wounds, he had asked Zeb for help. Never Ezra. Never Sabine. And absolutely never Hera. She hadn’t even seen him without his bandages. Ezra and Sabine had had glimpses. But never Hera. She knew he was keeping it from her on purpose, but it irritated her. They had shared so much in their eight years together. Why didn’t he trust her? 

He opened the door to his bunk and went inside.  Again, Hera followed. “Don’t wait for an invitation next time,” he said. 

“I wasn’t aware I needed an invitation.” 

For the first time in the whole conversation, Kanan turned his head in her direction as if he were looking at her. “Well, it would be nice from now on. I can’t see you, and I think I’m entitled to know who is coming into my room.”

That left Hera even more unsettled. In the last few years since he’d been opening himself to the Force more and more, he had always known where she was. He could sense where the whole crew was. Ezra had hinted that Kanan had been cutting himself off from the Force recently. It wasn’t the first time he’d done this. Hadn’t he admitted to cutting himself off from the Force after Order 66 went out? So Hera knew he was prone to doing things like this, and she didn’t like it. 

“I thought I might be able to help you apply the bacta.” 

“I’m fine,” he said, placing the salve and the strips on a low shelf on the wall.  

“How can you see where to put them?” 

“I can feel it, Hera.  It’s my skin that’s burned.” He had his back to her and he removed the backing from one of the strips. 

“I know it’s your skin, but the burn needs to stay covered.” She stepped forward and tried to reach a strip. 

He blocked her by moving to the side.  “But I can do this.”

“You were wanting Zeb to help.”

“He usually does help.” 

“So let me help,” she moved to the other side. 

He blocked her again.  “I said I can do it.” 

She put her hand on his shoulder. “And I said I want to help!” 

“I don’t want your help!” He jerked away, bringing his arms up and turning around quickly to try and push her back a little. But he had jerked too hard and ended up hitting her across the face. The smack cracked loudly in the room. 

“Oh kriff!” Kanan exclaimed. 

Hera placed her hand on her cheek and sat back onto his bunk. “Ouch.” 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.  I would never… I didn’t mean… damn it.” He sat down on the bunk next to her. “Are you okay? Please?” He reached out a shaky hand towards her. “Talk to me. Please? Where did I… what did I…” 

“I’m okay,” she said. “You just clipped my cheek.” 

He slumped forward, exhaling deeply and shaking his head in what Hera deduced was shame. 

“I’m okay, Kanan. I know you didn’t mean it.” 

“I hit you,” he said weakly. Then his head came up and he again turned his head as if he were looking at her. “I would never hit you… before…” 

“It was an accident.” 

His head fell forward again. “Doesn’t change the fact that I hit you.” 

“I just wanted to help you.” 

Kanan said nothing. 

“You won’t let me help you. You won’t talk to me. You haven’t even let me see.” 

Kanan shifted away. Like usual. 

“Why won’t you let me help you?” 

“Because then you’ll see it,” he admitted. 

“You think I don’t know? Zeb has told me what your eyes look like now.”

Kanan’s head turned in her direction. “He did?” 

“Of course, he did.” 

Another long, slow breath escaped Kanan’s chest as he turned away from her again. “If you see it, then it’s real,” he explained in an unsteady voice that was very foreign to Hera. “Every time you find out something… it makes it that more real. Every scandalous thing I did in my life before I met you, I hated to tell you. Even the things about the Jedi. I could keep them locked away inside me and pretend they weren’t real. That I hadn’t done certain things. But the moment I tell you, it’s 100% real. I’ve been holding on to the thinnest thread of hope that this isn’t permanent. Every morning I wake up hoping, but that hope dies a little more every day. So I don’t want you to see this. I don’t even want to talk to you about this because then it will be real. And I really don’t want this to be real, Hera.” 

They sat in silence for a few moments until Hera gently placed her hand over his. “I know, love. I don’t want it to either.” 

He nodded. 

“But did you honestly think I was never going to see your face again for the rest of my life?” 

“It’s only fair,” he said, his voice gravelly with emotion. “I’ll never see your face again.” 

Hera swallowed hard. That one tore right at her heart. 

With another sigh, Kanan slid his hand from under hers and started unwrapping the bandages from around his eyes. He pulled them away and placed them on a table beside the bunk. Then slowly, hesitantly, he turned his face and body towards her and raised his chin up so Hera could see the damage done to his eyes by Maul’s lightsaber. 

She was very glad he couldn’t see her face in that moment. Even though Zeb had told her what it looked like, she wasn’t really prepared for it. His beautiful, hypnotic eyes were surrounded by burn marks and were nearly totally white.  She pursed her lips tightly to avoid making any sound of despair or grief.  He didn’t need to hear that.  

“I know the burns,” he said. “I can feel the burns.” 

She nodded. 

“Hera?” 

“Yes?” 

“The skin is burned, right?” 

“Yes, sorry. I nodded my head.” 

“I can’t hear…” 

“…A head nod. I know. I know.  Sorry. The burns… they look like they are healing.” 

He smiled a small smile for a moment and then let it fall. “And my eyes?”

“Didn’t Zeb tell you?” 

“No.  I didn’t want to know.” 

Oh Goddess! She was going to have to be the one to tell him? That’s what he meant when he said she would make it real. She mustered all the strength in her heart and very calmly and steadily said, “They’re white, Kanan. Like a cloudy, filmy white.” 

His browns furrowed. “Solid?” 

“No, you can see where the iris and pupil is. There is a slight difference in the white color between the iris and pupil.” 

“The pupil is white, too?” he asked, fear seeping into his tone. 

“Yes, Kanan. And it’s more dilated than it should be.” 

“Huh,” Kanan said, with a small but forced laugh. “That explains the blindness.” 

Hera took his hand in hers offering some small comfort. He covered their joined hands with his other hand. Needing to be close to him, she leaned forward and placed her forehead against his. She felt him breathe, deep, and hard. His left hand slipped to her waist and gave a little tug to bring her closer.  Then his right hand slid around her back and pulled her against his chest.  His arms wrapped around her and he held her close. As his head fell onto her shoulder, she hugged him right back, knowing he was grieving the last bit of hope he had to ever see again. 

That’s when she felt it. A small shake in his chest. It was slight at first, and then grew until he was shaking all over. Tears fell down Hera’s cheeks, joining Kanan in his sorrow. In over eight years of scares and wounds, friendship and romance, she’d only ever seen him get misty eyed or watery eyed. Never had he full out cried in front of her. But he was absolutely crying now. He wasn’t making much sound, but his arms tightened around her as if he was holding on for dear life. 

After a moment, he sniffed and sat up a little, placing his forehead against hers again. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry.” 

“I’m not apologizing for… crying.” He grimaced at the word. “I’m apologizing because I’ve been a shit.” 

She smiled. “I think you’re entitled to be a little shitty after something like this happens.” 

Wanting to make it clear to him that she still needed him…wanted him...she closed the distance between them and caressed his mouth with her own. It was gentle and slow, with very little pressure. Just a touch.

When he pulled away, he said, “Hera, there’s something else you should know.” 

“What?” 

“The salt in the tears stings the burns around my eyes.” 

She startled. “What?”

“It stings.” He sat up and started waving his hand at his eyes. 

Hera jumped up and grabbed the salve. “Why didn’t you say something?” 

“Because you started kissing me!” He was still waving his hands at his eyes. “Damn tear ducts. I can’t see, but my tear ducts still work.” 

She grabbed his hands and moved them away from his face before applying a dab of the salve at the corner of his eyes. “I think you’d hate it if your tear ducts stopped working. You wouldn’t be able to blink.” 

“I would gladly exchange working tear ducts for working eyes.”

Hera stood back and looked at him. He blinked once, twice. 

“What?” he asked. 

“Would you like help getting the bacta strips on?” 

“Yes, please.” 

One small step forward, Hera thought as she peeled the back off the first strip. A very small step, but at least it was forward.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, it gets worse before it can get better. I've of the mindset that there were several months time between Twilight of the Apprentice and Steps into Shadow. Enough time for Ezra to develop all kinds of dark side Force abilities, for Kanan to shut himself off from the Force, and then for Kanan to start opening himself up. And Ezra even says that Kanan is never around. We got to see them heal after a long struggle. This, to me, is part of the struggle. 
> 
>  
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER: THE FORCE
> 
> TEASER: She hadn’t seen him do anything again as impressive as that catwalk incident. And he hadn’t offered up any kind of explanations. If he wanted her to know, he would tell her. That didn’t stop her from wanting to know, just stopped her from asking him about it.


	5. BEFORE - THE FORCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera gets her first look at a Jedi in action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the following:
> 
> For comments – castle_and_crowns, radaghast, prepare4trouble, Amilyn,   
> for kudos – slytherclawpadawan, prepare4trouble, redess
> 
> And so many thanks to Amilyn for her amazing beta work. If you haven't read her stories, go read them now!

_**BEFORE -** _

Having a Force sensitive person around took some time to get used to. Kanan always seemed to know where she was.  Kanan always seemed to know if someone was following them. And he always seemed to know if someone was lying. That last one was her favorite of the “tricks” he could do. At least… so far.  She hadn’t seen him do anything again as impressive as that catwalk incident. And he hadn’t offered up any kind of explanations. If he wanted her to know, he would tell her. That didn’t stop her from wanting to know, just stopped her from asking him about it. 

That all changed the day they ran a mission to Coyerti. Their cover was to deliver supplies to a company that manufactured water condensers. Their real mission was to free a cell group of locals that the Empire had taken prisoner when they refused to work for the company after the Empire took it over. Word was that the Empire had moved in and taken over the processes and was actually making weapons instead. The locals rebelled, and the Empire locked them away. Helping the locals was an easy decision for Hera, but it meant getting up close and personal with the Empire. And no matter how much planning went into an operation like this, things always went wrong. 

The first flaw came when their real names appeared across the channel for a landing permit. 

“Thought you said this was undercover?” Kanan asked. 

“That’s what I was told – that the landing permit would not link directly back to us.” 

“Well, if we can get in and out without a hassle, no one will even suspect that we were here for anything but delivery reasons.” 

“We just have to hope there are no more hiccups in the plan.” 

But that wasn’t to be. The next flaw in their plan came when they weren’t allowed to land in the necessary area on the planet. They could only land in new restricted area the Empire allowed. Then they had to take a shuttle to their drop point, which was an area swarming with troopers. 

“This is not a friendly welcoming party,” Hera said under her breath. 

“Troopers aren’t a problem,” Kanan said quietly but nonchalantly. 

“Oh, really?” 

“Most of them are pretty weak minded and easily distracted, two things I am very good with,” he winked at her knowingly. 

“How about cameras?” 

“Cameras?” 

Hera pointed up at the four surveillance cams. 

“We can take those out with a blaster easily.” 

And then the second flaw came when they were searched for weapons. Kanan’s blaster was removed from his holster as was the small blaster Hera hid in the satchel she was carrying. Then their whole shuttle was searched where they found two more blasters Kanan had stashed away for good measure. 

“It’s a wonder they don’t report us,” Kanan muttered. 

“The Empire’s presence is still pretty new here. If they reported everyone who landed with a weapon, they’d have to report every single ship. It’s easier and just as effective to take them away. First rule of dictatorship – take away everyone’s weapons.” 

“Which explains how these people were captured. They didn’t have many means to fight back.” 

“Speaking of… the group we are here to help is being held in the bunker on the east side of that ridge.” She pointed over to a large, metallic green building with no windows. And it seemed that it didn’t even have a door.” 

“How do we get in?” Kanan asked. 

“Good question. I have explosives hidden under the floor of the shuttle, but they will be too loud. I wasn’t expecting the place to be this busy with troopers.” 

“No, any loud sounds and we’d be surrounded” 

“And we have to take out the camera’s too. But something small and quiet.”  Hera shook her head in disappointment. “I didn’t get enough information on this place. I just reacted and didn’t plan well enough.” 

“I don’t see much of a problem,” Kanan said. 

“Kanan, we’re surrounded by cameras and troopers, we have no way to get though the walls of that bunker, and we have no weapons!” 

“I told you the troopers wouldn’t be a problem. As for the cameras, I think I can take them out quickly enough.”

“With what? We don’t have a weapon!” 

“Yes, we do,” he said, looking her directly in the eyes. 

He headed back onto the shuttle and rummaged around in the bag of condenser supplies they brought with them.  He pulled something out and then came to the door of the shuttle. He looked over to the entrance to the bay that led to a long hall way. He reached out his hand, closed his eyes, and… 

A rumble sounded down the hall way pulling the attention of all the troopers. All but two of them headed down the hall in the direction of the sound.  Hera turned around to look at him in surprise. 

“Go watch the hall way and make sure it stays clear,” he said. “I don’t sense anyone coming, but I might get distracted. Yell if you see anyone.” 

“What are you going to do?” 

“What we came here to do. Now go and watch the hall.” 

“You can’t just bark orders at me!” 

“It’s not an order, just a way to keep you a safe distance away.” 

“A safe distance away from what?” 

“From this.” His arm jerked and the sound of a snap hiss was followed by a shaft of bright blue igniting from the object in his hands. “It’s been a while since I’ve used it.” 

Hera pointed at him, and stuttered, “Its… it’s a…” 

“Hera, go!” 

He ran forward, and Hera stepped – stumbled actually -  backwards towards the door to the hall and out of his way. He leapt into the air and took out the first two cameras with a few swings of the blade. The sound of the lightsaber hitting the cameras drew the attention of the remaining troopers, who headed towards Kanan with their blasters pulled. 

Kanan turned towards them as they began firing their blasters directly at him. Hera watched open mouthed as Kanan easily used the blade of the lightsaber to deflect the blaster bolts up and towards the remaining cams. The troopers moved forward, and Kanan redirected more of their blaster fire back at them, successfully knocking them out cold. 

He then darted over to the bunker and stabbed the tip of the lightsaber into wall. After a moment, the metal around the lightsaber turned bright red and began to melt. He moved the blade up and down and back up and down again, eventually making a circular opening of melted metal. The whole process took maybe two minutes and left Hera completely dazed and in awe. 

Finished, Kanan turned back to Hera and asked, “Coast still clear?” 

Hera’s eyes were wide as she nodded her head affirmatively.  

“Good, then let’s hop on this shuttle and get out of here.” He ran into the shuttle and again started rummaging around for something. 

“But the… the people…?” She pointed at the bunker. 

Kanan came back out of the shuttle carrying Hera’s satchel, which was now weighted down with something. “The bombs. We can give them to the people.” He headed over to the bunker where a few of the captives were now climbing out from the hole. Kanan handed the bag to one of the men. “Compliments of those who are fighting with you against the Empire.” 

The man looked into the bag and then smiled. “How can we thank you?” 

“You can thank us by blowing up the weapons the Empire are manufacturing here. Shut them down!” Kanan took Hera by the arm and pulled her onto the shuttle.  “Now we gotta go!” He pushed the button to close the door and turned to look at her. 

She was still standing there gaping at him. 

“Are you gonna fly this thing or do you want me to?” he asked. 

“I’ll fly it,” she said, heading towards the cockpit. They took off, made it back to the Ghost, and headed out of the system without further incident. A quick check of any news reports going out of the system verified that the prisoners had been freed, bombs had gone off around the manufacturing complex, and the Empire had no logical explanation. Once they were into hyperspace, Hera tracked Kanan down in the galley. 

“We have to talk,” she said 

“Yeah, I figured you’d have questions.” 

And then she just gaped at him because she had no idea how to begin the conversation.  She had a million questions and no good place to really start. She just sort of shook her head at him for a few moments. 

Kanan watched her, his chin resting in his hand as if he were bored. “This is a good talk, Hera.” 

She pointed a finger at him. “No. No.  You don’t get to be smart with me. Not after… THAT! I need answers.” 

“Okay, I’ll give you answers, but you have to ask questions first.” 

She opened her mouth still completely unsure where to begin. “How…” She sighed.  “When…” She held up her hands at him. “Where did…” She shook her head again. “What was…” She opened and closed her mouth a few more times, stunned and still slightly in shock. 

Kanan stood up and walked over to her. “How did I do that?  Through the Force. When did I develop this ability? I was born this way. Where did I learn? On Coruscant at the Jedi temple. What was that? That was a lightsaber.” 

Hera found her voice, even though his answers were still very shocking. “I know it’s a lightsaber. I just didn’t know you had one.” 

“I told you I had one.” 

“When you offered to whip out your lightsaber, I thought you were making a dick joke.” 

“I was making a dick joke, but I never said I didn’t have a lightsaber.”

“Where did you get it? Did you steal it?” 

He looked offended. “No. It’s mine. I built it.” 

“Really,” she looked impressed. 

“Sure. Every Padawan who goes through the trials makes a lightsaber. You can’t become an apprentice to a master if you don’t.” 

“And you were an apprentice to a master?” 

Kanan closed his mouth and looked at her intensely. “For about a year,” he said after a long pause. 

“But the Jedi were all killed ten years ago.” 

“Nine,” he corrected sternly. “I was fourteen.” 

She blinked up at him, still stunned they were even talking about this. This couldn’t be real. “You made a lightsaber when you were fourteen?” 

“No, I made a lightsaber when I was twelve. The Jedi were killed when I was fourteen.” 

“And how did you…” She didn’t quite know how to ask this one. “How did you… survive?” 

Kanan looked away from her and lowered himself into a seat at the table. Hera thought maybe she had pressed too hard or gone too far. But Kanan eventually said, “My master told me to run… so I did. I watched her die…” his voice became full of emotion that Hera could tell he was fighting back. “I watched them kill her. And then I hid. I scrounged for any kind of odd job that required little to no skill. They’re still looking for me.” 

“Why are they looking for you,” she asked, sitting next to him. 

“The order was to kill all Jedi. If they find me, they will kill me. That’s why I cut myself off from the Force. But once you start opening yourself up to it, it’s difficult to ignore. Since I’ve been with you, I’ve been more and more open to the Force. But I try to keep it under wraps, and I don’t use my lightsaber unless I absolutely have to.” 

Hera suddenly realized a huge mistake. “Oh no, Kanan.” 

“What’s wrong?” 

“You said they were looking for you?” 

“Yes. Why?” 

“They have our names. Our real names.”

Kanan made an odd face and pursed his lips. 

“If one of those troopers or any footage from the cam reveals that a Jedi came through there… and they look and see the name Kanan Jarrus…” Hera felt her blood cool at the thought that they’d be able to track him down after all these years because of her poor management of this op. 

“That’s… not really… a problem,” Kanan said slowly. 

“Not a problem? I’ve potentially handed you over to the Empire!” 

“No, you didn’t.” 

“But Kanan —” 

“They aren’t looking for Kanan Jarrus.”

Hera froze. “But you just said —” 

“They are looking for a fourteen-year-old Jedi Apprentice, not Kanan Jarrus.” 

“But they would know that Kanan Jarrus grew up.” 

Kanan shook his head. “No, you’re not understanding me, Hera. _Kanan Jarrus_ was never a Jedi Apprentice.” 

She frowned at him. “What?” 

He exhaled and walked up to her so that they were standing very close. He leaned forward and placed his mouth against her ear. Her skin broke out in shivers as she felt his warm breath.  In a hushed voice, almost too low for her to hear, he said, “They are not looking for Kanan Jarrus because…he’s not _real_.” 

Hera turned and met his eyes. He raised his eye brows and starred back at her with determination and trust. He placed a finger over her lips, just like he had when she first saw him use the Force and shook his head signaling that they weren’t going to talk about this anymore. 

His hand moved to the side of her face in a gentle stroke. She reached up and took his hand in hers and nodded in understanding.

“You know what’s interesting?” Hera asked. 

“What?” Kanan replied, keeping his hand on her face. 

“It’s like he’s become a ghost… on the Ghost.” 

Kanan smiled. “A phantom.” 

“A specter,” Hera added. “But then, aren’t we all specters of our former selves?” 

“Specter number one, at your service.” He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEXT CHAPTER: 
> 
> “It’s okay. I remember a time back when you would get a little turned on when I would use the Force.”
> 
> This was surprising and reminiscent of the old Kanan. So she went with it. “I still do.”


	6. AFTER - THE FORCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of the old Kanan comes back as he starts to open himself to the Force again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are smiles and Comments are hugs. Just saying...
> 
> Many thanks to the following for the following: 
> 
> Commets – PathoftheRaven, Amilyn, Radaghast, prepare4trouble  
> Kudos – Amaaryth, Rhomana, MerryMerze, readess
> 
> And special thanks to Amilyn who is turning out to be one of the best beta readers in the history of fan fiction!

_AFTER -_

 

He spent hours meditating since Malachor. Literally hours. Kneeling on the ground, silent and still. He started wearing this helmet with a blast shield that covered half of his face so no one could see any part of his eyes. Sabine painted these little eye shaped designs on it one night. Hera didn’t know if Kanan knew about it or not, but no one was going to tell him. No one could tell him. He hardly spoke to anyone anymore. And when he did, it was very formal and stilted. Very much unlike Kanan. 

Hera didn’t like it. 

He had pulled so far into himself that he was missing the world around him. She commented on it one day when he was meditating in his room. 

“You’re always in here. We never see you anymore,” Hera said. 

“Welcome to my world,” he said from his kneeling position on the floor. 

“Kanan, don’t do this.  
  


“Did you or did you not tell me that you didn’t like how I was cutting myself off from the Force?’  
  


“I did.”

“So now that I’m meditating and opening myself up to it as much as I can, you’re still upset?”

“You’re in here all the time! You aren’t part of things when you could be. You should be.”

“Okay,” he said standing up. “I can meditate outside.”

Which he did. But it didn’t make him part of anything. He still kept mostly to himself. Hera watched as Ezra seemed to become more reckless and filled with anger and Kanan became quieter and quieter.

But even in those quiet moments, Hera tried to find a positive. She knew Kanan needed time. They all did. It was good to have him sitting out in the open where they all could be reminded just exactly what he truly was capable of.

Hera watched him now from a distance. He sat on his knees with his back perfectly straight. His body never moved, and yet the rocks would rise and fall around him, like someone was carefully lifting them up and placing them in various figures or even stacking them on top of each other. It was mesmerizing to watch. The nay-sayers around the galaxy that doubted the Force really existed had never seen moments like this.

She smiled sadly, though, looking at him. She missed him so much. He’d technically not gone anywhere, but this Kanan was not like the Kanan she had spent the last eight years running around the galaxy with. There were remnants of the old Kanan, and at least he was still physically here. She wouldn’t know how to survive if he had died. At least she could still look at him and remember how it had once been, with him teasing her and flirting and laughing.  She could even hope that maybe someday it would be like that again.

He’d have to shave the beard though. That thing was making him look like an unkempt bantha.

“Did you need to tell me something,” he asked without turning in her direction, “or are you just going to stare at me?”

“I was just watching you. Is that not okay?”

“It’s okay. I remember a time back when you would get a little turned on when I would use the Force.”

This was surprising and reminiscent of the old Kanan. So she went with it. “I still do.”

Kanan’s head turned towards her ever so slightly. “Huh, then I suppose I should warn you that I intend to get my lightsaber out and run some drills.”

“Your lightsaber. Really?” She went to him and knelt down beside him. “I haven’t see that in a long time.”

He slid it off his belt and placed it on the ground in front of him. “It’s right here. Hasn’t changed much.”

“Still, it has been a while. Since… Malachor.”

He frowned. “I had my lightsaber on Malachor.”

“Well, yes, you had the actual lightsaber on Malachor. I was talking about… the other… lightsaber.  You know. The other… drills we haven’t run since before Malachor.” She completely stumbled over her words and felt like an adolescent fool.

“We may want to come up with a different euphemism for sex other than a lightsaber,” Kanan said very dryly. Without missing a beat – and with no laughter - he took a deep breath, and Hera assumed he’d slipped back into that trance like state he usually was in when he was meditating. Then suddenly he asked, “Is that what you were thinking about a few moments ago when you were watching me? That you’d like me to whip it out?”

“Kanan Jarrus!” She hit him on the shoulder. Hard.

He just chuckled at her. “I couldn’t resist.”

“You’re awful sometimes, you know that?”

“Awww, come on. Admit it. You love me.”

The air went still around them at his words. Hera held her breath, not knowing exactly how to respond. She stared at him, wishing she could see his full face and not just the bottom bearded half. She didn’t know if he meant that or if he was just joking. Moreover, she didn’t know if her heart was ready to make that verbal declaration given how things had been between them recently.

“In all seriousness,” Kanan said, turning slight towards her again, “do you know where that remote is that we use for lightsaber training? I thought I might run some drills, but I can’t find it.” 

That hadn’t been what Hera was expecting him to say. “Yeah, I think I know where it is. But drills? Really? I think you’re a little advanced to take on a remote.”

He shrugged. “The world is a different place for me now. Before I make a commitment to do anything of significance on a mission, I need to make sure I’m fully able to do what you need me to do.”

“I think you underestimate your capabilities.”

“No, I’m being honest with myself. I was able to take down Maul only moments after he did this to me,” Kanan said, pointing to his eyes. “But I was in the heat of battle and responded accordingly. I haven’t picked up a lightsaber since then out of fear that I would end up doing more harm than good. I need to make sure I’m navigating the world well enough before I use it against anything other than a remote.” The new, more solemn, less playful Kanan was back.

“I understand. I’ll go get the remote.”

“Thank you.”

Hera headed into the Ghost, happy that he had at least asked her for help.  She remembered seeing the remote in a box of random junk pieces several months ago and found it still there. She took it out to Kanan, who switched it on and then ignited his lightsaber with the familiar snap hiss.

The remote shifted right and left, up and down, all the while shooting out tiny sparks at Kanan. He deflected every single one with ease. It was beautiful to watch, and soon Zeb and Sabine had come out from their respective locations to watch him at work. They looked at each other and back at Kanan, Sabine with a satisfied smile on her face, Zeb with a stern head nod of approval. They needed to see their leader back on his feet doing what none of us could ever do.

At one point the remote flew down and went under Kanan between his legs to come up behind him. Kanan spun around and deflected three more blasts as if it were the simplest thing. He kept it up, and the longer he lasted, the calmer and more steady he appeared to get. Instead of the workout leaving him winded, it seemed to set him at peace. Hera glanced around wondering where Ezra was. He needed to see this as much as the rest of them did, but he was nowhere in sight.

After a good long while, Kanan shut the lightsaber down and reached out his hand into the air, calling the remote to him through the Force. He switched it off and tossed it in Hera’s direction. “You can put this back in the junk pile.”

“Does this mean you’re ready for a proper mission?” Hera asked.

“No, not yet,” he said. “I’m close, but I’m not ready.”

Hera nodded. “Let me know when you feel you’re ready. We’ve missed you.  We need you.”

He turned and faced her. Even though Hera knew he couldn’t see her, she felt as if he was staring her down, challenging her last statement. _We miss you. We need you. I miss you.  I need you._ But he said nothing. He simply nodded his head and went into the Ghost. Alone.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEXT CHAPTER: 
> 
> He turned to face her. “If they aren’t coming for another day or so, and we’re stuck here alone in The Ghost, what are we supposed to do in the meantime for fun?”
> 
> Hera cocked an eyebrow at him and smiled a wicked little smile.


	7. BEFORE - BED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera. Kanan. Alone. With a Bed. You do the math.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes, the rating did change. There will be adult situations. This is what you came here for right? The next several chapters are steamy. At least I hope you find them so. 
> 
> Thank you to the following for the following:
> 
> Comments – castles_and_crowns, Radaghast, Gift, readess  
> Kudos – ReaperGrrl, annastronaut, imgoingtocrash, LokiLaufeysonLove  
> Bookmarks – ReaperGrrl, LokiLaufeysonLove
> 
>  
> 
> And to the great Amilyn for her excellent beta reading skills and for letting me build off an idea she started in her own fic.

**_BEFORE -_ **

“So they aren’t coming today?” Kanan paced back and forth in front of The Ghost, clearly disgruntled and frustrated. 

“No. They got held up.” Hera crossed her arms over her chest. “It isn’t their fault, love.” 

He didn’t hear what she called him. He just kept pacing. 

She looked off at the storm building in the distance. As beautiful as the name Larilia was, that’s how dark and depressing this grey, rocky planet was. They had come here to meet up with another vessel carrying supplies for one of the outer rim planets. It was a great place to make a shipment switch, but a horrible place for a two-day stop over. 

“No, no, I get it. Not their fault that things don’t run smoothly. We’ve been there.” Kanan grumbled. “It doesn’t change the fact that we’ve been waiting here on this dreary planet for a day already and there is literally nothing to do. There isn’t even a cantina! And if ever there was a place that would drive someone to drink, this is it.” 

“I think we still have some Reythan berry juice.” It was somewhat rare for them to have such a sweet treat on hand. Hera imagined they could go enjoy some and just talk for a while. Just… be. _Together_. 

Kanan glowered at her. “I’d rather have the Calamari Xinphar we were offered from our last stop, but you wouldn’t let me take it.” 

She chuckled at him, as he clearly missed the point. “And I thought you’ve learned in this last year that drowning yourself in alcohol is never a good solution to a problem.” 

“I didn’t say I wanted to drown in it. Just drinking it would be nice. Anything that would take my mind off this gloomy planet.” He looked out at the bleak landscape. “I feel…it feels…” 

Hera watched him closely, knowing he was reaching out with a sense that she didn’t have. She wondered if she pushed a little of her thoughts his way if he might pick up on it. 

“This place feels like it wants to suck the joy out of life,” Kanan explained. 

Again, he didn’t pick up on it. “Then let’s go in.” 

“Oh, great. As much as I love this ship, hanging out here for several days just isn’t… fun.” 

Hera rolled her eyes. “You sound like a child.” 

“I’m just bored.” 

“Would you rather we were off somewhere getting shot at?” 

“At least it would give us something to do.” 

“Can I point out,” she said, walking up beside him, “that just a week ago you said you’d had enough excitement for a while and wanted down time?” 

“Down time means relaxing. This is just boring.” 

“It doesn’t have to be.” 

“Oh really?” He turned to face her. “If they aren’t coming for another day or so, and we’re stuck here alone in The Ghost, what are we supposed to do in the meantime for fun?” 

Hera cocked an eyebrow at him and smiled a wicked little smile. 

His eyes shifted down her body and back up to her face. He’d obviously received the message and was now finally taking it in. 

“Are you joking?” he asked. 

“No.” 

“You’re serious?” 

“Yes.” 

Kanan looked away for a moment, then back at her. Then looked away again, trying to get his thoughts in order. “Okay, just so that I’m perfectly clear on what you just suggested, because my brain is currently spinning in circles… are you saying that you want to go inside and have sex?” 

She shrugged. “Maybe have something to eat and drink and then eventually head to bed.” 

“To sleep or….?”

Hera laughed. “Why are you having such a hard time believing this?” 

“Because you’ve been pushing me away for over a year now.” 

“Your interpretation of events is different from mine.” 

He turned now to face her straight on. “How so? I seem to remember being told to keep a distance – that we work together – that we’re starting a war – and a whole lot of _no_.” 

Hera hummed thoughtfully and closed the distance between them slightly. “And I seem to remember sexual innuendos, flirting, shower invitations, and a rather heated kiss with the promise of several more.” She placed her hands flat on his chest. “Or was that all just playful banter?” 

Kanan put his hands on her hips and pulled her against him. “It’s always only been playful banter. However, this suddenly feels very serious.” 

One of her hands slid up to play with the hair that brushed the back of his neck. “So you were just teasing me? You didn’t really want to…” 

“Oh sweetheart,” he pressed himself flush against her body. “I really do want, but only if you’re absolutely certain it’s what you want.” 

She looked up at him from beneath her lashes and smiled that wicked smile of hers before pulling him down for a kiss. 

There had been no hesitancy or questioning in the kiss. It was hot and wet and deep and consuming right from the moment their mouths met. Their lips slid over each other, opening and closing in kiss after kiss. Tongues tasted and darted in and out. Kanan shifted the angle of his head and arms so that he could fit her body against his. His hands cupped her bottom, and with a needful groan, he lifted her off the ground. Hera’s arms wrapped around his neck as her legs locked around his waist. Their mouths fused together and Kanan hurriedly stumbled his way on to the Ghost.  

“I have to put you down,” he panted through more kisses. 

“Why?” she protested. 

“Ladder.” He dragged his mouth roughly over hers. “Can’t climb it.” He traced her bottom lip with his tongue. “Need arms.” He sucked that same bottom lip into his mouth. 

Somehow, they had managed to get up into the ship where Kanan didn’t wait to press her against a wall and lock his mouth over hers. Again. And again. “How fast can you get undressed?” she asked. 

Without breaking the kiss, Kanan managed to rip off his gloves, slide off the armor from his right arm, and undo his shoulder shield to let it fall to the floor with a clang. He pulled back from her slightly. A quick over head tug on the back of his shirt pulled it up and over his head. It dropped softly on the ground next to the shoulder shield. “Faster than you, obviously,” he teased pulling her against him again for another mind-numbing kiss. 

“Sorry, I was distracted by the half naked man in the corridor of my ship.” 

“I’ve walked half naked before through these halls and it’s never been a problem.” 

“That you know of,” she said under her breath. 

He smirked and took the liberty to pull her gloves off her hands and tug the leather chest covering up out of her waistband. 

“Hold on a moment,” she said, undoing the strap on her head gear and slowly working it off her head and down her lekku. It was the first time he’d seen her without anything covering her head at all. She rather enjoyed the look of wonder on his face as he took in her markings. “That was really, unexpectedly sexy,” he said in a hoarse voice. 

She took his hand in hers and led him down the corridor to her bunk. Once inside, the kissing and undressing resumed. It took a little longer to get Hera completely undressed, but Kanan seemed to have a fun time figuring out how to undo all the fasteners and straps on her flight suit. Hera took pleasure in unfastening his trousers. She may have taken more time than necessary, but that was only because she had never before heard a man growl the way he did when her hand brushed over his erection. 

Once they were completely naked, it took them all of two seconds to end up wrapped up in each other's limbs on the bed. Hera couldn’t keep up with where his hands and mouth were because they seemed to be everywhere. Her neck, her breasts, her legs, her stomach. It was agonizingly blissful. 

“Anything I need to know?” Kanan breathed while sucking on a nipple. 

“What do you mean?” she asked through a haze of sexual pleasure. 

“I’ve never been with a Twi’lek,” he explained. 

“I’ve never been with a human,” she admitted. 

“I assume everything goes in the same place?” 

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” she said, sliding her legs open. 

She saw the satisfied smirk on Kanan’s face just before he slid down her body and gave her a thorough examination both with his hands and with his mouth. None of her previous partners had ever done this to her before. She was certain her inability to contain her shouts of ecstasy could be heard all the way to Coruscant, but she really didn’t care. Of all the talents she’d learned Kanan Jarrus had, what he could do with his tongue vaulted to the top of her favorites list. 

He crawled his way back up and covered her body with his. “I take it that went well?” 

“Very well,” she smiled. 

“Then let’s try this one out, if you don’t mind.” He slid into her slowly, sending deep ripples of bliss all through her body with each thrust that took him deeper. 

They rocked together in mounting pleasure, meeting each other again and again as the delicious pressure built between them. His mouth found hers, and she wasn’t surprised to find that he tasted like her.  Their tongues mirrored their love making, pressing in and out. She clawed at his shoulders, trying to bring him closer, deeper. His back arched as he took his pleasure. And in a frenzy of friction, she followed him over the peak into euphoria again. He lowered himself slowly, grinning madly as he went to kiss her again. 

And then she tightened around him. Literally. 

“OH GODS!” he shouted! And his whole body convulsed in another spasm of pleasure. 

Hera ran her fingers over his back as he tried to settle his breathing. It felt so right to have him nestled inside her body. He was so deep, and she wanted him right _there._ She tightened again, enjoying the extreme pleasure of being joined with him. 

“DAMN! KRIFFING! FARK!” She had no idea what he was saying as he rode out another wave of ecstasy. His body was tense, his mouth hung open, his eyes shut tight as a cry of pure, unabashed gratification ripped from his chest. 

He collapsed on top of her, panting mightily as small tremors of orgasmic aftershocks shivered through them both.  Kanan’s breath was hot against her already heated skin, but she didn’t mind. She couldn’t even really think clearly. Her body had turned to liquid. All she could manage to say was… 

“Oh…wooooow…” Kanan’s voice, echoing her own thoughts, was hoarse and low. She still held on to him inside her, and his moan sent little ripples of vibrations through her middle. “How long?” He breathed out. 

“Huh?” 

“How long… will we…stay like this…” He pressed his pelvis slightly against her. 

“I dunno,” she sighed. “However long you like.” 

“If you don’t want me sleeping on top of you,” he mumbled against her skin, “you better let me go.” 

She released him, and he rolled – flopped – to her side completely weakened and spent. “Does that always happen? he asked, eyes closed and already drifting off. 

“It doesn’t have to,” she whispered. “I dunno. It just felt so good.” 

She watched as his breathing slowed and his chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm. With her hand on his solid abdomen, she eventually joined him in slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of things... Amilyn gets the credit for the contacting thing Hera can do. She has Twi'leks able to do something similar during intimate situations. I didn't want to steal her exact idea, but I liked her suggestion that the reason Twi'leki women are so coveted is not just because they are beautiful, but because they can actually do something other species can't. 
> 
> Also... galactic cussing is so fun! 
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER - 
> 
> It had been months since she’d watched Kanan sleep – since before Malachor, but nothing short of a complete system failure was going to pull her away from him right now.


	8. AFTER - BED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera helps Kanan get some much needed sleep, and learns a few things along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so much going on in the next two weeks that writing will be extremely difficult. I have some chapters ready to post, but updates will not come as frequently as they have. Thank you for your support thus far. I hope you enjoy this chapter and come back in a week or so for more! 
> 
> Many thanks to the following for the following:   
> Comments – Redaghast, rebelsfromstars  
> Kudos – southernnerdgirl, LittleBeast987, Jaaxny, annastronaut  
> Bookmarks – darylas, southernnerdygirl
> 
> And, as usual, to Amilyn for encouraging me and making me sound like a much better writer!

_** AFTER –  ** _

 

“Do you know where the repulsor hood is?” Hera asked from the doorway of Kanan’s bunk.

“Why?” he said without turning around? 

“I just wondered if you had seen it.” 

He had been straightening his bedding. “When?” 

Before she said anything, she considered her word choice. As of late, Kanan had been giving smart-alecky remarks to questions like this. When had he seen it? Well, it had been months since he’d seen anything, so she reworded the question. “Actually, I wondered if you knew where it was.” 

He tugged on the end of a twisted bed cover. “Sure, it’s in the top cabinet over the dishes in the mess.” 

She made a face. “That’s not where it goes.” 

“That’s the only storage space big enough to hold it.” He felt around the edge, trying to flatten it out but was unsuccessful. 

“But if it’s up there, no one can get it down easily.” 

“I can,” he said somewhat flippantly. 

“Well, the rest of us without the Force can’t. So can you get it down for me and I’ll find another place for it?” 

He pulled the sheet off and started over. “Where will you put it? I just told you there wasn’t a place.” 

“I dunno, I’ll find a place.” 

He flicked the sheet up and tried to smooth it out again, but was still unsuccessful. “And then when I need it, I won’t know where it is. Great.” 

“It’s a big, giant repulsor hood. It’s not like it’s going to get lost. I don’t see what the big deal is.” 

Kanan tugged on the twisted sheet one more time. “You don’t see what the big deal is because you _can_ see. I have to know where everything is, and everything has to be in a designated place or I can’t find it! And when some catastrophe happens, and you yell for the repulsor hood, I won’t know where it is!” 

“What kind of an emergency is going to call for a repulsor hood?” she wondered. 

“It’s just an example. Repulsor hood, bacta strips, hydro-spanner… if it’s not in it’s place, I can’t find it. And this…” he waved his hands out in front of him like he was looking for something, “doesn’t do much good when you need something quickly. Trust me on that.” He angrily pulled the sheet up again. “Now what the hell is going on with this blanket?” 

“It’s twisted,” Hera said. 

“I’m been trying to fix this thing while you just stand here and watch me get it all twisted up?” he snapped. 

“I didn’t know you wanted my help.” 

“No, I like making and remaking a bed twenty times.” 

“Good, because it’s still all messed up.” 

“Do you find entertainment in watching me fail?” 

“Actually, I was hoping for another rude, snippy comment accusing me of laughing at you behind your back. So, I guess my job here is done!” 

“Laugh in front of my face. It wouldn’t make any difference. I wouldn’t see either one.” 

“STOP IT, KANAN!” 

The silence between them was thick and tense. They stood there, neither one moving for a good twenty seconds or so. His scowl matched her own, but of course, he wouldn’t know that. 

“Move the repulsor hood if you want to. I don’t care,” he said in a firm but soft voice. 

“Can I help you with the bed?” she asked. 

He nodded, and she took the sheet from him. A quick flip and she had it untwisted. She handed one edge to Kanan and took the other. She knew that if he ever did ask for help, he usually wanted someone to help him _with_ a task and not just _do_ the task for him. “You’ve got the bottom. I’ve got the top.” 

They got the sheet placed on the bed correctly, and Kanan finished by tucking it in and tossing his pillows toward the head of the bed. 

“Thank you,” he said in that low voice that he’d come to use when he was reluctant to talk about certain things. 

“No problem. And I’ll leave the repulsor hood where it is. For now.” 

He nodded and sat down on the bunk. 

There was so much more she wanted to say to him, but held back. She knew he was hurting and struggling, but she also knew he needed to get through this. _He_ did. She couldn’t solve this for him. So she turned to go and said, “Have a good night, Kanan. Sleep well.” 

“Not likely, but thanks.” 

She looked back at him over her shoulder. She very nearly didn’t ask, but she knew that his smart remarks came from a place of wanting someone to acknowledge his difficulties. It was an odd sort of game. He didn’t want people to watch him struggle until he was ready for them to watch. And then he tried to make everyone feel guilty about watching. And she also knew that he hadn’t been sleeping well. 

“Are you just being snippy again to start a fight or are you serious?” 

“I don’t want to fight, Hera.” He rubbed his eyes. “I know I snap at you and I shouldn’t. I’m just so damn tired.” 

It was a good sign that he could at least own the fact that he was always in a foul mood. “Why aren’t you sleeping well, love?”

“It’s not that I’m not sleeping well. It’s that I’m not sleeping at all.” 

“Not at all?” 

He shook his head. This was very concerning. 

“How long has it been since you’ve slept?” 

“Every now and then, if it gets really quiet, I can doze off for ten or fifteen minutes. It happens a few times a day.” 

She came back into the room and sat down next to him. “When was the last time you slept for more than a few hours straight?” 

“Do you mean a true, deep sleep or does meditating count?” 

“Actual sleeping.” 

“Oh, not since Malachor.” 

His words were like a slap across the face. He hadn’t actually slept in almost four months. No wonder he was snippy and mean and angry. Anyone would turn into a monster if they went that long without sleep. “You’ve been getting by, just on meditating?” 

“Sort of. Well… okay… so I did take sleep meds a few months ago. I guess I got a few nights sleep then, but it was artificial and I had such a rough time with my balance when I woke up. Like I need to trip and fall more than I do. No. Plus, it took about four of the damn things to actually do the trick. I’d really rather not add sleep med addition to my resume of problems.” 

She moved ever so slightly closer to him. “Why can’t you sleep?” 

He leaned forward and rested his head in his hands. “I can’t turn it off. I can’t shut off the world.” He sat up and turned his body towards her. “You spend your day in a bright, colorful world with on going stimulus all around you. And at night, you lie down and close your eyes and turn it off. All the light and the color and the world – you block it out and go to sleep in the dark. I can’t do that.” 

“My world,” he continued, “is all sound and touching and feeling and reaching out in the Force. I am constantly trying to decipher what I hear and touch and smell. Constantly reaching out in the Force to find people and figure out what’s happening around me. So when I lie down, I don’t have any way to shut off what I hear or touch or feel in the force. And I can’t make it dark. So I lay there all night trying to will my body to go to sleep, and it just won’t. I’m exhausted, Hera. But I can’t shut the world off.” 

She’d never considered it like this. She knew his senses were in overdrive right now, but she just never thought about how to stop the stimulus when he wanted quiet. “What do you mean you can’t make it dark?” 

“You close your eyes and you make it dark. I can’t do that.” 

“Because it’s always dark,” she said sadly. 

“No, it’s not dark. It’s nothing.” 

Now she was really stumped. “What?” 

“It’s not dark because I have no sense of that. I don’t see light, so I don’t see dark. I just see nothing. I would love to have a sense of light and dark. If I just had that much, things would be so much easier. But I have nothing.” He rubbed his eyes. “I never would have thought that I would covet the ability to close your eyes.” 

“But isn’t nothingness just darkness?” 

“No, Hera! Gods!” He was getting frustrated. 

“Sorry, I don’t mean to make you angry. I’m just trying to understand.” 

“I know.” He tapped his hand against his leg as he considered. “Okay, how about this? What do you see out of the back of your head?” 

Her lekku flicked and she considered. “Um… what?” 

“What can you see out of the back of your head?” he repeated. 

“I don’t see anything out of the back of my head. I don’t have eyes there.” 

Kanan snapped his fingers and pointed at her. “Exactly.” And after a moments pause he added, “Except I have eyes. They just don’t work.” 

And finally Hera understood. When he said he couldn’t see anything… he meant that. Not even the darkness. Nothing. A never ending blank world of nothing. She pulled her lips between her teeth, fighting back the pain that would alert him how much her heart was hurting at this new understanding. 

“Hera?” he said reaching a hand out towards her. 

Oh, who was she kidding. He was a Jedi. He could sense her emotions. Especially strong emotions. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, touching her leg. 

She fought back the tears. Squeezed her eyes as tightly as possible. She. Would. Not. Cry. Not in front of him.  

“Are you…crying?” He reached up towards her face and rested his hand on her cheek. 

She shook her head. 

“I don’t want you to cry.” 

She rolled into his arms, burying her head in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed tightly. One hand cupped the back of her head, his fingers tracing the base of one lek in comfort. 

“I seem to either make you angry or cry.” 

“I’m not crying,” she shook her head against his chest. “It’s just…for weeks now, I’ve been walking around the Ghost with my eyes closed trying to figure out what it’s like for you. I’ve even put on a helmet with a blast shield down and tried to cook or get dressed. And I always think it’s just too dark.” 

Kanan ran his hand down the length of her lek. “Are you really walking around pretending you can’t see?” 

She sat back a little and looked at his face. “You know that cut I got on my arm the other day?” 

“Yes.” 

“I went to the fresher with a helmet and blast shield on. I actually tripped over the straps on my new flight suit and toppled over and out into the corridor. Cut my arm on the door lock as I fell. Then I had to hurry and get my pants up because Ezra came running. Like I really want him to see me half naked. Tore up the sleeve and got blood all over it.” 

When she looked at Kanan’s face, he was smiling a little too widely for her liking. 

“Are you laughing at me?” 

He suddenly pulled his face into a serious look. “No, not at all.” 

“You’re laughing at me!” 

He shook his head no and maintained the serious frown face but said, “Maybe… internally.” 

She hit his arm. “I try to sympathize with you and you laugh at me.” 

His smile was surprisingly warm. “Hera, you fell off the toilet. I’m not supposed to laugh at that?” 

She shrugged. “If it makes you feel better, then laugh. Go ahead.” He chuckled softly. “Besides, it’s nice to hear you laugh.” 

The silence that wrapped around them was warm and soothing, a stark contrast to the last one. Hera leaned forward and rested her forehead against Kanan’s, their breathing patterns matching the other’s in comfort. 

“Lie down, I want to try something,” she said. 

“Why? What are you going to do?” 

“Just trust me.” 

She stood up to give him room to stretch out his long body on the bunk, legs going under the cover. 

“Comfy?” she said, lightly touching his shoulder. 

“Sure.” 

She considered doing what she planned from this position. But if it worked, he’d likely wake up if she stopped. If she was going to stay for a while, she might as well be comfortable, too. So she climbed in the bunk next to him. 

“Whoa! What the – ” Kanan sat up slightly as she crawled over him one leg at a time. 

“Oh, don’t act like this is the first time I’ve been in your bed.” 

“No, but it has been a while since you’ve straddled me.” 

Boy, wasn’t that the truth, but now wasn’t the time. 

“I’m just going to be here beside you to help you sleep.” 

“ _Hera_ …” 

“Now close your eyes…” 

“Um…” 

She knew his protest was going to be about how it wouldn’t make a difference, but she didn’t want to hear it. “Do as I say and close your eyes.” 

His eyes closed, but his lips curled. “Bossy much?” 

“If you didn’t like a dominant woman, you wouldn’t be with me.” 

Kanan opened his eyes as if he were actually looking up at her, and it started her to see it. “Point taken.” After a few shifts on the bed and he got comfortable, his eyes slid shut and he exhaled slowly. 

“Good. Now just relax.” 

Hera began tracing his face with a feather-light stroke on her finger tips. She circled around his chin and up his forehead. Once. Twice. And the she started tracing his features. 

Kanan’s hand grabbed hers just before she touched his eyes. “Are they sore?” 

“No, I just… don’t think I’ll like this.” 

“Please, let me at least try.” 

He was reluctant, but he let go of her hand and she resumed her tracings. Around his eyes. Over his brow. Down his nose. Over his cheeks. Around his lips. The full beard and mustache that now lived on his face caused some problems, but she traced around them well enough.  She traced each feature over and over again. His breathing slowed. The tension in his body stilled. And soon, he slipped into a deep sleep. 

She kept up the tracing for a long while after, and she even started to dozed off a little. It had been so long since she’d been this close to him for more than a few minutes, and the warmth of his body was a welcoming distraction from her own worries. 

It had been months since she’d watched Kanan sleep – since before Malachor, but nothing short of a complete system failure was going to pull her away from him right now. Given what he’d told her, she was going to see to it that he stayed asleep for as long as possible. 

She had years ago memorized the shape of his face, the curve of his lips, the color of his skin… Even under that full beard and the hair that had grown too long, he was still the most handsome man she’d ever seen.  The burns around his eyes were fading, and she knew in a year or two, she’d probably be the only one able to distinguish where they had been. 

She felt him sigh, and then felt his leg shift. A long, slow, deep breath in and out as his body turned towards hers. Familiar. Natural. Right. Hera allowed her own body to relax until she fell asleep, too.  So they slept, side by side, for a good long while.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note about the way Kanan describes being blind... Obviously, I am not blind. However, my brother is blind in one eye. The things about seeing out of the back of your head... that's exactly how my brother explains it to people. He doesn't see darkness out of his blind eye. He sees nothing. So I gave that line to Kanan. 
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER: 
> 
> “You look like the lothcat that ate the crème,” she said quietly. 
> 
> “And what delicious crème it was, too.”


	9. Before - Markings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karan learns what each of Hera's markings means... and a little more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long delay! I was directing a massive musical and we just closed our run. This chapter picks up right after the last BEFORE chapter when they first slept together. It’s pretty much PWP. 
> 
> Thank for the following:
> 
> Kudos - nascence  
> Comments – Gift, Radaghast, rebelsfromstars, gondalsqueen
> 
> Many thanks to Amilyn for the great beta reading!

BEFORE - 

Kanan Jarrus was a beautiful man. Hera watched him as he slept, taking in the shape of his face, the curve of his lips, the color of his skin… And there was so much skin. Her hand traced a very light path along his collarbone and over his shoulder. Her eyes traveled down his chest, taking in the taunt muscles and the line and hair that started just at his navel and led downwards.

 

Humans were literally covered in hair. That had been a surprise. Hair on his arms and legs was one thing. Hair on his sex organs… that was interesting. It created a delightful sensation against her own bare skin. She wondered if human females had similar amounts of hair.

 

She felt him sigh, and then felt a toe wiggle. A long, slow, deep breath in and out was followed by the flutter of his eyes as they opened. Stars! Those eyes. She’d never seen anyone else with eyes that color. The blue in his eyes seemed brighter this morning, as did the lopsided smile that grew as he stared into her eyes.

 

“You look like the lothcat that ate the crème,” she said quietly.

 

“And what delicious crème it was, too.” He pressed his mouth to hers in a very gentle kiss. “Sorry I fell asleep. That wasn’t in my plans last night.”

 

“I don’t think last night was in your plans at all,” she teased. “Pretty sure it was _my_ plan.”

 

He couldn’t argue with her there. She remembered how irritated he had been over the delay in the shipments arrival, and how long it took him to catch on to her desire. “Still upset that we had to wait an extra day?”

 

He chuckled, pressing his mouth to her shoulder in a kiss. “Nope. And I’m not bored either!”

 

Now, as he brushed kisses against her bare skin, she had to ask the question.

 

“Do all human men fall asleep that quickly after sex?”

 

He kept kissing her shoulder, but lifted his eyes to meet hers. “Orgasms typically make us tired. And you gave me three in a row. That…” he leaned up on his elbow now, “When I asked you if there was anything I should know, it would have been good to know you could do that.”

 

“You honestly didn’t know?”

 

He shook his head and ran a hand through his tangled hair. “I knew Twi’leks and sex were a great combination, I just didn’t know it would be like _that_.”

 

“Human woman can’t do that?”

 

“Uh, that’s a big, fat no.”

 

“Well, that’s probably why there are literally thousands of Twi'lek females in some sort of sexual servitude. Males of every species want to own us for their pleasure.”

 

Kanan’s face grew very serious. “A man of any species ever treats you that way… you tell me, and I’ll kill him.”

 

She had no doubt that he was telling her to absolute truth. “Thanks, but I would probably kill him first.”

 

He leaned close to her and drew her against him again. “I’m sorry about…my flirting…I shouldn’t have been so forward. It was degrading. It was…”

 

“It was pretty silly sometimes.” She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled him down for a kiss. “But you never scared me.”

 

“So what is that called anyway?” His face was somewhat serious, and she appreciated that he was genuinely curious and not just in it for a moment’s pleasure.

 

“It doesn’t have a name, really.”

 

“Something that amazing has to have a name.”

 

“We just call it contracting.”

 

“Contracting? Like having a baby?”

 

“I guess. I’ve never had a baby.”

 

“And let’s keep it that way,” he smiled.

 

She hummed thoughtfully. “We’ll see.”

 

And then his face fell. “Oh, stang. We weren’t careful, were we?”

 

She shook her head.

 

“Oh, kriffing hell! I came three farking times, too!”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” she said with a smile. “I’ve been on repress meds since I was fourteen. I just wondered how you would react if I wasn’t.”

 

Kanan flopped back and rubbed at his eyes. “You scared me to death!”

 

Her smile grew wider. “Not ready to be a father?”

 

“No!” He looked at her. “And don’t even pretend you want to be a mother, Miss ‘let’s-gallivant-around-the-galaxy and stick-it-to-the-Empire’ rebel Hera.”

 

“Oh, that’s catchy. Maybe it should be my new code name!”

 

“Fourteen?” He said suddenly. “You’ve been on repress meds since you were fourteen?”

 

She nodded. “As soon as I started my cycle. It’s typical for us to do that to avoid pregnancy should we be captured.”

 

“That you even have to worry about that makes me really want to hurt someone.”

 

She smiled and traced her fingers down his chest. “Thanks, but I was taking care of myself long before you showed up.”

 

“I know you were. But sometimes having backup can be an advantage.”

 

“I would be really foolish if I turned down Jedi-style backup.”

 

He gave her one of those looks reserved for any conversation about his Force sensitivity. “I have another question though,” he said, sliding one arm under her and fitting her snugly against his side. “You said something last night that was surprising. And now that some of my higher brain function has returned, I’m curious. What did you mean when you said you didn’t know how long the… contracting… could last?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

He cocked an eyebrow at her. “You said I was your first human.”

 

“You are.”

 

“Uh-huh. Are you sure I’m not your first… anyone?”

 

Her eyebrows went up. “Why? Did you think that?”

 

He brushed his nose against hers. “You were genuinely surprised by my actions and by your own orgasm when I put my mouth on you.”

 

“I wasn’t surprised, just… very, very satisfied.”

 

“Uh-huh,” he said, kissing her softly. “In my experience, that sort of reaction doesn’t happen if you’ve had multiple lovers.”

 

“And you’ve had multiple lovers?” she looked over at him.

 

He looked back at her. “Well, I wouldn’t call them lovers, but…yeah.”

 

“But _you_ were genuinely surprised last night, so your point is invalid.”

 

“No, I was surprised by what you could do and only because I didn’t know enough about Twi’leks. You were surprised to even have an orgasm. That’s a big difference.”

 

She didn’t know why she felt compelled to tell him, but it just kind of spilled out. “I’ve had two relationships, of a sort. The first was when I was very young – fifteen. He was very careful and respectful. I think he was afraid of my father. But we just sort of kissed and fondled and messed around.”

 

“Twi’lek?” he asked.

 

She nodded her head. “My second was also Twi’lek, and he was a little more serious. Not that we were madly in love with each other, but we did have sex a few times.”

 

He frowned, a deep furrow forming between his eyes. “Doesn’t sound like he was much fun.”

 

“He wasn’t really. It was just after I left home. We were both rebelling against our families. The sex was nice though.”

 

“Nice?” Kanan spat the word out. “The sex was _nice_?”

 

“Something wrong with that?”

 

He leaned up on his elbow. “Dear sweet stars in the heavens, if sex is _nice_ then you’re doing it wrong.”

 

“I wasn’t aware there was a wrong way to have sex.”

 

He shook his head. “There is. I mean, would you describe what we just did as nice? Because sweetheart, that was mind-blowingly, hot and delicious sex!”

 

“Delicious?”

 

“Absolutely.”

 

She laughed at him. “All right, then in complete honesty… it’s never felt like this.”

 

Kanan draped his arm over her and pulled her close. In a low, seductive voice, he said, “Listen to me, Hera, I believe that any man who you choose to be with is the luckiest bastard in the galaxy.  If he doesn’t worship you, then he doesn’t have any right to touch you. I include myself in that description.” He held her gaze for a long, meaningful moment before kissing her quite reverently.

 

She sighed and looked up into his beautiful eyes. “I suppose you worship every woman you’re intimate with.”

 

“Not always, but I don’t think intimacy and sex are the same thing.”

 

“Meaning?”

 

“The way I see it, you can have sex with someone and not know a thing about them or ever see them again afterward. Intimacy, however…” His fingers traced little circles on her hip. “Intimacy is personal.”

She felt the weight of his words on her heart and needed to look away from his eyes. Focusing on his hair, she twisted her fingers into the hair at the based of his neck. He closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation. His own fingers traveled up and skimmed the back of her neck. “Adding to the lists of sexual firsts, I’ve never been with a woman who didn’t have hair. And honestly, I didn’t expect there to be no hair. At all.”

 

“Is that a problem, you furry, fuzzy beast?”

 

“No, it’s just most women like it when a man plays with her hair. I mean, I like it when you play with mine. I dunno, maybe it’s a human thing.”

 

“You’re welcome to touch my lekku.”

 

He hesitantly, gently stroked his fingers down one lek and back up. Hera’s eyes fell closed as she sighed in pleasure. “I didn’t know lekku were so sensitive.”

 

“Only when touched correctly… by a lover.”

 

He searched her face. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He stroked down and back up again.

 

“Just go down, not up,” she explained.

 

He did as he was told. “What do the markings mean?”

 

Her eyes opened, taking in the handsome features of his face. “The ones on my lekku don’t mean anything other than I thought it looked pretty. I was much younger when I had that done.”

 

“Okay…” her answer had piqued his curiosity. “What about this one?” He trailed his hand down to her navel and around the decorative swirl that circled it.

 

“I got that one when I started flying. One of my teachers said that the key to being a good pilot is that even though we live to be in the air, we keep ourselves centered, grounded, steady. I put that marking there to remind me to always stay centered. And to go with my gut.”

 

“Wow,” he said quietly.

 

“Do you want to know about the others?”

 

“What others?”

 

She slid out from under him and turned her back to him. On her shoulder blades were markings that brushed out in feather-like streaks that resembled obscure wings. A series of symbols trailed down her spine towards a larger decorative swirl that settled on the curve where her back stopped and her bottom started.

 

“Wings?” he said, running his hands over her shoulders.

 

“I love flying, Kanan. I won’t ever have real wings, but if I could, I would sprout wings and live in the sky.”

 

His hand traveled down the markings on her spine, tracing the patterns around her bottom. “What’s this mean?”

 

“That’s a little more complicated.” She rolled over to face him again.

 

“My father and I don’t get along very well. We disagree on how to deal with the Empire. I left home when I was about sixteen. I had to be strong – stronger than I thought I could be. Those markings – I had them done about a month or so before I met you. They are to remind me to walk tall, stay strong, and be proud of what I’ve accomplished.”

 

Kanan blinked back at her and in a very solemn voice asked, “Good grief, Hera. What the hell are you doing in bed with me?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You are…amazing. No, that doesn’t do you justice. You are… too kind, too good, too decent to be with me. My life has been anything but decent. I tried to drown away my past either with booze or sex. And here you are, fighting for the freedom of the galaxy. What are you doing with me?”

 

“You don’t give yourself enough credit. Is Jedi training easy?”

 

He frowned, “No.”

 

“But you are one of the few people alive that did it. You’ve survived a war – a mass execution. You scrounged and fought your way through the galaxy with nothing to your name… not even your name! And you do help people. That’s one of the things I first noticed about you. You help, and you don’t tolerate injustice. You have a very good heart, Kanan Jarrus.” She kissed him then, to make sure he believed her.

 

He licked his lips. “Out of curiosity, who’s your father?”

 

“Cham Syndulla.”

 

Kanan literally gasped. “Cham Syndulla?” And then he sat straight up. “Cham Syndulla – leader of the resistance on Ryloth -  is your father?”

 

“I figured you knew that, unless you know a lot of other Twi’leks named Syndulla.”

 

“Sith spawn, He’s going to murder me!” He fell back against the bed.

 

“Why would he murder you?”

 

“He doesn’t like people messing with his stuff, and I just had sex with his only daughter!”

 

“Didn’t you just tell me you’d kill any man who treated me like property?”

 

Kanan blinked back at her. “Yeah.”

 

“I don’t belong to my father.  That’s why I left.” She draped her body over his. “Now can we forget all of this and have some more of that mind-blowing sex we had earlier?”

 

Kanan didn’t need to be asked twice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: 
> 
> “Bad dream?” she asked. 
> 
> “No. It was a great dream.” He sat up and slid his legs over the edge of the bed. “Waking up is actually the nightmare.”


	10. After - Markings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan "looks" as Hera and discovers something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter picks up right after the last AFTER chapter when Hera traced Kanan's face… 
> 
> Many thanks to the folloing for leaving comments – Radaghast, Gift, darylas
> 
> My AMAZING beta readers, Amilyn, for keeping Hera in check and making my story even better than I hoped. 
> 
> FYI – Fan fic writers don’t get the praise they deserve. If you like a fan fic, give it a kudos or leave a comment to encourage authors to keep posting. So I’ll give you a recommendation based on what I’ve read recently and you can go praise their work. Today I recommend Epilogue by kgirl1.

AFTER - 

Hera felt the gasp before she heard it as Kanan’s body jerked awake next to hers. His eyes shot wide open, white and unseeing. His breath hitched and his hand trembled as it reached up to touch her face.

“Hera?” 

“I’m here,” she said, brushing his hair back from his face. 

His sightless eyes blinked rapidly, and she saw his throat bob as he swallowed hard.  A few shallow breaths later, and he rolled back, closing his eyes again and rubbing at them as if he was trying to wipe away the blindness.  

“Bad dream?” she asked. 

“No. It was a great dream.” He sat up and slid his legs over the edge of the bed. “Waking up is actually the nightmare.” He stood up, paused a moment as if he were finding his balance, and then headed to the fresher.

Hera waited silently in bed for him to return, lost in her thoughts.  As she listened to him running water in the fresher, she found herself wondering if she were still welcome or had made the wrong decision. 

He came back in the room with a glass of water. “You still in bed?” 

“Yes, I can go if you’d rather be alone.” 

“No. Stay. Please.” He gulped down some of the water and offered it to her. “Thirsty?” 

“Thanks.” She took a few sips of it and watched him pull his shirt over his head. Even after all the years, she still more than enjoyed the sight of his naked chest. He opened his storage locker, placed the shirt in a rather neat pile of clothes that needed laundering, and closed the door. Everything in its place. Kanan had always kept things orderly, but since he’d lost his vision, he was now a down right neat freak. Hera couldn’t blame him. 

She held up the glass towards him and said, “I’m done.” 

He carefully found the glass with his fingers, took another drink, and placed it on the table against the wall. Without asking, without needing to ask, he crawled back into the bed and hugged her body against his own, nestling his head in the crook of her shoulder and neck. One hand rested on the back of her head where his fingers could trace a familiar path along the base of one lek, the other rested across her hip. 

His eyes fell closed as he settled into what Hera assumed was a comfortable sleeping position. But even though his body felt relaxed, she knew he was wide awake. 

“Where did you learn to do that? The tracing the face thing?” 

Glad for the nearness of him, she took the liberty to weave one leg between his and drape one arm over his hip. “My mother. I had trouble sleeping when I was little. The sounds of the war, worry for my father and my home, it kept me awake.” 

“Well, it works.” 

“It always did for me.” 

His fingers tracing the lek started skimming downward, feather light and so soothing. Hera, in turn, brushed his long, loose hair back away from his face. 

“Can you see the clock?” he asked. 

She titled up every so slightly. “Four in the morning.” 

“Six hours. Wow.” 

“I’m only sorry the dream wasn’t a good one,” she said, brushing the tips of his hair through her fingers. 

“The dream was fine. Great.” He sighed heavily and opened his pale eyes. “I can see in my dreams.” 

The revelation made her heart jump. 

“Color and light,” he continued. “It’s all there. I’ve only had about four or five dreams since Malachor and they all seem like every other dream I’ve had. But when I wake up, I’m disoriented because I’m not sure where I am for a moment. I actually have to say to my brain, ‘It’s okay. You can’t see. This is normal.’ It takes me a second or two. The first time I woke up I had a little panic attack. I think that’s another reason why I have trouble sleeping.” 

“You should have told me.” 

“Why? What difference would it have made?”

She shrugged, “None, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know.” 

“Fair enough. I just don’t know what sounds like a complaint and what sounds like a reasonable problem anymore.” 

“Hey,” she put her hand on the side of his face. “Tell me whatever you want to tell me. As long as it’s honest, I want to know.” His eyes fell shut and he nodded. “Now, can we talk about this beard?” She scratched her fingers under it. 

White eyes came open again. “I know you hate it. I’ve heard from Zeb.” 

“Your hair is longer, which I don’t mind. But this beard…” 

“Well when they make mirrors for blind people, I’ll shave it off.” 

“Again, you could ask for help.” 

“From?” His brows went up. “You? No thanks. The last time you helped me shave when I hurt my hand in that door, I ended up with pocked and nicked skin all over my face!”  
  


“It was not that bad!” 

“It was awful. I’m not really a vain man, but I currently have burned skin and white eyes. I do not want to add a pocked and nicked face to my appearance.” 

She chucked. “Ok, so ask Zeb.” 

“Are you crazy?” His eyes went wide, surprising Hera how much he looked like his usual self. “Zeb is about as gentle as a lighting bolt. He’d probably scrape the skin off with the hair!” 

“Fine! Then Ezra.” 

“Peach fuzz? No thanks. That kid has maybe shaved five hairs from his own chin in his life.” 

“He cut his hair, you know.” 

He grimaced. “I know. Chopped it all off. Sabine told me.” 

“Sabine did the chopping. Hey, ask — ” 

“I am NOT asking Sabine!” 

Hera laughed. “Why not?” 

Kanan gaped at her, and for a moment it seemed as if he were actually looking at her. It was uncanny but not at all unwelcome. “Think about that, Hera. Do you honestly want Sabine shaving my face?” 

A mental image of Sabine in her black suit leaning over Kanan, his head thrown backward to expose his neck and chin as she meticulously ran a razor over his skin until it was clean and smooth filled Hera’s mind. Even though she knew better, it did not sit well in her head at all. 

“No, I guess not,” she said. 

“Yeah, you guess not is right.” He playfully squeezed her hip and ran his hand up her side. “Wait. What…” The illusion that he was looking at her came to an end as searching fingertips grazed over her arm, side, and shoulder. “What are you wearing?” 

He felt the straps and neck line of her top before traveling down downward. Hera held back a reaction as his hand brushed over the side of her breasts. _He’s looking_ , she told herself. _This isn’t sexual. He is just trying to see_. He found the hem of her shirt and the slight bare midsection that it revealed. 

“Tank?” he asked. 

She nodded, knowing his other hand was still around the back of her head and that he would feel it. 

Quickly, his still seeking hand brushed down her hip and leg under the cover to feel the shape of the pants she had on. 

“Those are… short,” he said, tracing the cuff line. 

And in an instant, the hand that had been innocently looking suddenly became sinfully bold as it lightly cupped her bottom. Hera’s breath hitched. 

“You were wearing this while looking for a repulsor hood?” he asked. 

“No,” she blinked, surprised by the question and trying to remember last night before she’d come into his room. “I was getting ready for bed. Zeb was looking for the hood. He couldn’t find it and asked me. I knew you had it a week or so ago, so I came to ask you.” 

“Oh,” was all he said, but his warm hand stayed in place long enough for Hera’s whole body to notice. 

Slowly, he pulled his hand up, brushing over her hip, lightly grazing her breast, until he came to the side of her face. Tracing a path along her jaw line, his fingers felt the shape of her face, her ear cone, up towards her lek and then back down again as if he were searching for something. 

“Can I…” he swallowed. “Can I touch your face?” His voice was shaky, uncharacteristically uncertain. 

“Of course,” she said, softly. 

The pads of his fingers tips then started their gentle observation of her face. She knew he was being careful not to press hard or move too quickly. He traced the arch of her brow, the shape of her eyes, down her thin nose. He drifted from one cheek over the tip of her nose to the other and down her chin. The fullness of her lips was given extra attention. Then the tracing – the searching – started all over again, his fingers discovering her face in a way his eyes never could – never would. 

Hera stared at Kanan’s eyes as his hands glanced over her face. His unseeing eyes seemed to look off into the distance as his hand communicated to his brain the details of her features. She could see in the way his brows moved or his mouth twitched when he discovered a new aspect of her face. Her heart raced in her chest and her breath quickened the longer he _looked_ at her. 

“I miss this face,” he said almost too softly to hear. And then he nudged ever so slightly closer to her, brining his mouth a mere chin lift away from touching hers. His fingers circled her lips. “Will you smile for me?” 

“What?” 

“Smile. Please?” His sightless eyes blinked once. Twice. 

And she smiled. 

“Bigger. Like a big, toothy smile when you’re laughing.” He offered her a demonstration. 

She laughed, and gave him what he was looking for. His fingers traced around it and up her cheeks to her eyes. 

“Okay, now give me an angry look.” 

“WHAT?!?” she laughed. 

“Angry, not laughing.” 

“What are you doing?” 

“Learning how to read you.” 

She sighed and then gave her best effort at making a very silly, somewhat angry face. He felt the furrow between her eye brows, the grimace of her mouth. 

The effort made him laugh. 

“Don’t laugh. I can’t make an angry face when your touching me like that.” 

“Like what? I’m just…looking.” 

“Well, it’s... it’s very personal. Intimate even.” 

“Really?” he breathed, his mouth was very close to hers. 

She could feel his breath mix wither own, could feel his chest as his breathing deepened, intensified. And then felt his lips lightly brush against her own. Once. Twice. Again. Her eyes slid shut as her whole body stilled while his mouth pressed and pressed against hers in the most delicate series of kisses. He must have kissed her a dozen times like this before she felt the wet tip of his tongue slightly drift along her bottom lip. He skimmed over her lips a few times until she used her own tongue to reciprocate. Their mouths opened fully then, sealing the lips together as tongues danced around each other. 

And then they really started to kiss. Hot and bruising kisses. Needful and determined. Kanan’s hand found the base of her tank and pulled it up, only breaking away from her mouth long enough to pull it over her head. The kissing resumed while two sets of hands dove under the covers to their own pants to remove the remainder of their clothing. 

Bodies naked, Kanan pressed her back into the bed and devoured her mouth. His fingers roughly felt between her legs checking for her readiness. Hera wanted to tell him it wasn’t necessary. She’d been ready ever since he started touching her face. But before she could even get out more than a pleasurable moan, Kanan parted her legs with his own and punched into her with one solid thrust. Her back instinctively arched, which only allowed him to go deeper. 

His love making was fierce and demanding, and Hera didn’t mind one bit. She met his body angle for angle, encouraging him on. Her body contracted as she fell over the edge. And when he climaxed, the sound that tore out of his throat was guttural and animalistic. Panting and totally out of breath, he lowered himself on top of her. 

They laid there, breath heaving against each others’ skin until their skin began to cool and the heart rates slowed. Hera thought he might have fallen back to sleep. And then she heard his voice, so soft, whisper against her neck. 

“Green. Green. Green.” 

“What?’ 

“Four shades of green. Beautiful green. All green.” 

She ran her hand through his hair, wondering what it all meant. 

“I don’t want to forget,” he said, rising up so his face was above hers. “I’m forgetting little differences in color, and I don’t want to forget you.” 

His fingers on both hands now found her face as he said, “Your skin is creamy. Not a pure green, but more the color of the grassy plains on Alderaan. Your eyes are a shade off from that with a tint that is ever more slightly blue than your skin. Brighter. More crisp.” One hand now travelled the length of one lek. Your markings are pale where you had the pigment removed. Not white, but the palest of green. On your lekku, your shoulders, your back, your navel.” His hand followed the path described by his words and then came up to cup her breast. “And your nipple is dark – the darkest of greens.” 

Not knowing what to say, she pulled his face down to hers for a kiss. His hands went around her waist as the kiss softened. He buried his head in the crook of her neck and stroked her side up and down. Stopping to make a circle around one spot on her hip. After a few moments and a few circles, he said, “What is this?” 

“Hum?” 

“There’s something on your hip.” 

Hera glanced at where his fingers were circling. “You can feel that?” 

He leaned up again. “Yes, it’s like the skin is…burned? Did you get burned?” 

“No, I’m fine. It’s just…” Boy, she never expected she’d have to explain this to him. How had he even known? “You can really feel that?” 

“Yes. It’s slight, but there is this odd difference in your skin here. It’s…it feels like my burn now that it’s healing.” 

“It’s a new marking. I got a new one.” 

“A new one?” Hear could hear the unspoken question. _A marking that I’ll never see?_  

“You know that blast shield that you’ve started wearing over your eyes?” 

“Yes.” 

“Did you know Sabine did a little art work to it?” 

Kanan frowned. “Oh no, what did she do?”

“It’s nothing bad. She just put these little eye type symbols on it.” 

“Wait,” Kanan propped himself up on his elbow. “I’ve been walking around with eyes painted on my face shield?

“They don’t look bad. They look kind of fierce, actually. They’re kind of curved and they sort of come up… like this…” she started drawing it in the air and suddenly realized how pointless that was. “Give me your hand,” she said.

Kanan offered her a hand. “I’ll draw it.” Taking his palm, she drew the curved shape with the point and the extra embellishment at the top. “And the other one goes the other way.” She drew it on his palm as well. “It’s really nice. Very effective.” 

“Okay…” He didn’t sound convinced. 

“Well, I took that same symbol and had it marked on my skin to remind me that no matter what happens or how far apart we may end up, you will always be with me by my side.” 

Kanan froze, his hand resting over the marking on her hip. She covered his hand with her own. 

“You marked your skin for me?” he asked, his voice full of emotion. 

“I did.” 

“Permanently marked… for me?” 

“Forever. Always by my side.” 

And then he kissed her, for he had no words to express what he felt. Hera didn’t need to explain further, either. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEXT CHAPTER - 
> 
> He kissed the softness of her belly and circled his tongue around her navel. And even though they had just finished making love a few minutes ago, she could feel a shift in the mood and the intensity of his breathing. 
> 
> “I never imagined it could be like this,” he said softly between kisses.


	11. Before - Alone Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera's attempt at keeping Kanan's feelings at bay backfires somewhat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks for the love on the last chapter! Thanks go to the following for the following:  
> for Kudos – northofnow  
> for Comments – Hope, Radaghast, castles_and_crowns, Gift, nypohlita
> 
> My recommendation is to read Continued by gondalsqueen. I envy the way she writes Hera. Wow! 
> 
> As for this chapter, this was the most difficult to write. My beta reader, Amilyn, worked her fingers off helping me fix this beast. This is my way of working out just why Kanan and Hera weren't completely open with their relationship. I recently heard an interview with Freddie Prince Jr. where he said he knew from the start that Hera and Kanan had an intimate relationship. He was asked about the fact that they had a kid and he said that the fact they were having sex wasn't a surprise. The KID was the surprise. So yeah... the actors knew. That makes me ask even more as to the why of the relationship. Why weren't they just openly "dating" or stating that they were in love. Why? So here's my little take on it.

_BEFORE - Alone Time_

Lying on her back in her bunk, Hera played with Kanan’s hair, running it through her fingers over and over again. He was sprawled out across her middle, using the side of her stomach as a pillow. One of her legs was propped against his hip. One of his hands stroked up and down her side and lingered at her breast. 

“What happens if you don’t wash it?” she asked. 

“It will look gross, smell gross, feel gross.” 

“But after a while does it fall out?” 

He chuckled, sending a ticklish vibration through her mid section. “No, it kind of clumps together and ends up in these knotted bunches. But it takes a long time for that to happen, and I’m not going that long with dirty hair.” 

“I’m not requesting it. I was just wondering. It seems like a hassle to take care of.” 

“That’s why I keep it long. It’s easy to just tie back. Don’t have to keep it neat and trimmed. I like it when you play with it, though.” 

“I know you do,” she said threading her fingers deeper into his hair against his scalp. 

He slid his hand up until he reached her lek and began circling the end of it with two fingers. In the year or so that they’d been sleeping together off and on, he’d learned just how and where to touch her to drive her crazy, and this was one of those touches. His kissed the softness of her belly and circled his tongue around her navel. And even though they had just finished making love a few minutes ago, she could feel a shift in the mood and the intensity of his breathing. 

“I never imagined it could be like this,” he said softly between kisses. 

A slight warning went off in Hera’s mind. The more time they spent alone in each other’s bunks, the less time they spent working on their missions. She wasn’t really complaining because he always made her feel so very good, in both physical and emotional - simple and profound ways. 

Kanan made her laugh. His jokes were terrible, but he kept stressful situations light. He made her feel feminine without undermining her intelligence of leadership abilities. Some men, like her father, felt the need to be overprotective of a woman in a position of authority. And as a Twi’lek, she reveled in the fact that he didn’t just see her as an attractive female but as a competent and resilient woman.  He made her feel so strong. The fact that he, an excellent leader in his own right, would follow her anywhere, be it smuggling or into battle - that he valued and respected her judgment and worked with her, deferring to her as the leader, gave her such a rush. And when planning their missions, he wasn’t overly optimistic, just a realistic and reliable sounding board. His presence had filled a void she didn’t even know was there, and she didn’t want to lose that. 

However, she also knew from the way he looked at her and some of the little things he had said lately that his focus was more on her and less on their missions. And she had a sinking feeling that he was heading in a direction that she just couldn’t go. Stress the couldn’t. It wasn’t a matter of want or need at this point. She _couldn’t_ let this happen. There was too much at risk – the missions, the freedoms of the galaxy, the respect of those who called on her to help.  Kanan’s heart. 

She had hoped that having Zeb on board would have slowed down the developing feelings happening between them. It didn’t. It actually made Kanan a little more possessive of her time and attention, which she didn’t like. And even though she knew she should work harder at resisting him, she gave in time and again. She could not lose her heart to this man. Not now. 

So as Kanan kissed his way up her torso towards her mouth, mumbling his delight of the moment, Hera considered how to adjust the direction of the evening without doing too much damage. 

“I have never felt this way before,” he said, cupping her breast. She forced her body to stay calm and not react the way she wanted. “I’m not saying that to be flippant.” He kissed her mouth. “I would never lie to you about that. I just…” He kissed her again, hard. “Gods…” 

The warning was now ringing in her head. A declaration was soon coming from him that she couldn’t reciprocate. Could not. And she had to stop it from coming. Had to. For both of their sakes. 

“I have to ask you something,” she said, pulling away from him. 

“Okay,” he grinned, roguishly. 

“What do you think about Sabine?” 

From the puzzled look on his face, clearly that wasn’t what he’d expected. 

“Sabine? Wren?” 

“Yes.” 

“What do I think about her? In what way?” 

“As a possible member of this crew.” 

He leaned back, surprised. “Oh. Well. Um…” 

Hera took the opportunity to separate from him so that their bodies weren’t completely wrapped up in each other. “I know she’s young, but she’s tough and has inside information about how the Empire operates. She could be a great asset.” 

“Have you talked it over with her?’ 

“She mentioned something about being interested in our work. I figured you would want a say in it being the mission leader.” 

The faint smile on his face was a little forced. “Oh, I’m the leader now?” 

“Of the missions.” She was clear on that. “And as the leader, you’d be working closely with her. So think about it, because having her here will change things.” 

“Change what things?” 

“Well,” Hera shifted on her elbow and pulled the covers up to cover her body.

“We’d need to keep a professional distance. Not sleep in each other’s bunks.” 

The furrow on his brow intensified. “What are you talking about? Why?” 

“She’s really young, Kanan.” 

“So? I’m pretty sure she can handle herself or she wouldn’t have lasted long as an Imperial cadet.” 

“Still, we can’t keep doing this with two other crew members on board.” 

“Zeb hasn’t minded; I doubt Sabine will.” 

“It’s just a matter of respect.” 

“Wait,” Kanan sat up. “You think I don’t respect you?” 

“Respect for the crew. Respect for our mission. Respect for what it is we are trying to accomplish.” She found her night shirt at the foot of the bunk and pulled it on.

“It’s just probably a good idea if we slow down and start keeping a more professional distance.” 

Kanan gapped at her. “What in the hell are you talking about?” 

“You know what I’m talking about.” 

Kanan rubbed at his eyes, confused and growing in frustration and anger. “Are we… splitting up?” 

“No. Not in the sense that I want you to leave, just that I think we need to take a big step back when it comes to sleeping together.” The mix of hurt and horror that filled Kanan’s shocked face almost made her want to back down. Almost. 

“Okay, when you say ‘leave,’ do you mean leave the ship or leave your bed? Because we do have a relationship,” he clarified. 

“Yes, we have a great working relationship. We work well together and trust each other.” 

Kanan’s brows grew more and more furrowed. “Not to mention that we sleep together.” 

“Well, we are highly sexually compatible, but we can’t keep focusing on that. Our mission comes first. Always has. Always will. No matter what we feel for each other.” 

Now sitting up entirely, Kanan crossed his legs under the blanket and faced her sternly. “I’m having a hard time believing this is coming from the same woman I’ve spent the last several months making love to. I can’t just _not_ feel this way about you.” 

“I’m not saying you can’t feel these things, just that the mission comes first. I told you when you first wanted to join me that you had to be in it to stop the Empire. That if you were coming on board for any other reason, you would be very disappointed. I’m just trying to keep our focus where it needs to be – on stopping the Empire.” 

“And our relationship gets in the way of that?” 

“It’s a distraction.” 

Kanan rolled his eyes. 

“Kanan, listen. With Zeb and Sabine, we will be trusted with more difficult missions. We have a real opportunity to get some real work done and make strides against the Empire. That’s what we need to focus on.” 

“You think I don’t want to stop the Empire?” 

“I think you are more caught up in other things right now. The Empire needs to be our focus. I feel you’re… not as focused.” He turned away from her, and she hated that she’d hurt him. But if she hadn’t done something now it would hurt even more later. “I’m sorry, Kanan. I’m just trying to be honest about the situation.” 

“Honest?” he spat the word out. “You want the honest truth? This _situation_ , as you put it, was your idea.” 

“You wanted this, too.” 

“Yes, and I knew there was a line. I _respected_ that line. You kissed me first. You did, Hera. I resisted.” 

“Not much,” she scoffed. 

“And you were the one to invite me to bed the first time. YOU!” He pointed a hard, stern finger at her. 

“Yes, I did,” she said, taking ownership of her actions. 

“Why then, if it wasn’t what you wanted? I even said, ‘Are you _sure_?’ and you laughed and tore off my clothes.” 

“Because I did want it. I still want, but I want to stop the Empire _more_.” She touched his leg. “That’s the problem. You want _this_ more.” 

“Well, at least you’re being honest with me now.”    

“I’ve always been very clear with you about what I want, yet you have kept things from me.” 

His face twisted, “What things? I have told you things I have never told anyone! You know me better than anyone ever has!” 

“Oh, really? I don’t even know your name.” 

It was like he’d been slapped, he jumped back so quickly. The silence stung and was thick with hurt and aggression. She knew she’d crossed a big line with that one. 

“Look, I’m not saying that you have to tell me every secret. I’m just pointing out that we don’t know everything about each other.” 

“Have you ever considered that it’s for your own good that I don’t tell you everything?” he asked bitterly. “That if ever you were captured by the Empire, being able to say ‘I don’t know’ when they ask you certain questions would be a blessing? That the more you know, the more culpable you become?” 

“Kanan,” she said gently, trying to smooth things over, “I’m not upset about not knowing. I just said that because –” 

“If I tell you, would it change things?” 

She thought long and hard before saying, “No.” 

“So this is it then? Sabine joins our little crew. We fight the Empire. And you and I…?” 

“You and I get to help stop the Empire.” 

Pursed lips, Kanan nodded and climbed out of the bed. He pulled on his pants, keeping his back to her the whole time. 

“Kanan, please don’t be angry with me.” 

“I’m not angry.” 

He was lying to her, but she wasn’t going to call him out on it. She didn’t mind the relationship, but it couldn’t be the driving force behind their cause. Why couldn’t he see that? 

“I don’t want you to think that I don’t care.” 

He scoffed and mockingly laughed. 

She knew she was back peddling, but she had to do something or risked losing everything they had built. “You are the most important relationship I have. I value you. This crew needs you. This mission needs you.” 

“I’m not going to leave,” he said, his back still to her, “if that’s what you’re worried about. This is the first place that has ever felt like a home to me. I love this ship…” he glanced over his shoulder at her. She held her breath, cringing at the possibilities – worried at what else he might say he loved. “And I hate the Empire. They took everything from me.” 

“I know,” she said. 

“For the record, I would have been content with just flirting. I never expected anything else. I don’t want to fight with you, but I’m not going to stop feeling this way about you. The missions will come first, I promise. But if you can’t handle the fact that I love you, then you need to tell me to leave.” 

She gasped, hearing the admission, but did not respond. 

At the door, with his back to her, he said, “Master Depa Billaba. Battle of Kaller. You might find the files interesting. And don’t ever accuse me of not telling you everything.” 

When the door to the room closed, Hera grabbed a data pad and began sifting through the various files on the Empire’s conquest of Kaller, skimming the information. Formerly occupied by the Confederacy of Independent Systems… Galactic Republic represented by General Depa Billaba and Commander Caleb Dume… Conquest achieved under Galactic Empire Commander Grey… General Billaba killed in action… Commander Dume location unknown ...

 

Hera’s eyes honed in on the name, repeating it in her mind but not daring to say it out loud. Oh, how the Empire loved to rewrite history! General instead of Jedi Master? Killed in action? More like murdered in the Jedi purge. And the Commander… Caleb Dume. She turned off the data pad and made a vow with herself – with the universe – that she would never say that name aloud.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy times in the next chapter....
> 
> “You are wicked, you know that?”
> 
> With his whole body now shaking in laughter, Kanan squeezed her even tighter. “You wouldn’t want me any other way.”
> 
> “Well, I would, but I don’t think a saintly Kanan would be as much fun.”


	12. After - Alone Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera and Kanan spend some much needed adult alone time on Lothal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for Kudos – Mez10000  
> Thanks for Comments – Bloofle, Gift, castles_and_crowns, LadyDi418, Stardreamed, Radaghast, annastronaut  
> Thanks for being the most amazing beta reader ever - Amilyn
> 
> Reading Recommendation: Seven by ambiguously - OH MY GOSH! Get the tissues for this. 
> 
> This chapter is kind of my take on PWP. There is a little hit of “plot” at the end of this, but for the most part, it’s PWP. I hope you like it regardless.

_ AFTER - Alone Time _

Hera sighed in pleasure, feeling her bones turn to mush as Kanan rested his head on her middle. Stars, it had been so very long since they’d had time to just enjoy each other like this. 

“Am I too heavy,” he asked, dropping a kiss just below her breast. 

“No. I like it,” she said, still panting and feeling winded. 

Her fingers weaved through his hair, and he wrapped his arms around her. They had been alone in the Communication Tower for a few hours now. Doing recon on the factory on Lothal had proven to require limited time spent on real observation, which gave them ample time to be… alone. Once it was clear that their position was safe and they would have pretty much all evening to themselves, they wasted no time in getting wrapped up in each other. And even after the first frenzied wave of passion had subsided and they’d caught their breath, a second wave washed over them like a tsunami, this one more purposeful and driven than before. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt your heart beat so fast or so hard,” he mumbled against her skin. 

“I don’t think…” she said between breaths, “I’ve ever… enjoyed that so much. I mean, I’ve always known you were good… but Holy Goddess… this was sooooo good,” she sighed, stretching out her arms and taking in how very alive she felt. 

“Still want me to shave off the beard?’ he asked, suggestively. 

Hera barked out a laugh and grabbed at his hair. “You are wicked, you know that?” 

With his whole body now shaking in laughter, Kanan squeezed her even tighter. “You wouldn’t want me any other way.” 

“Well, I would, but I don’t think a saintly Kanan would be as much fun.” 

Still chuckling, Kanan slowly crawled his way up her body, kissing her breast and neck along the way. He stopped with his face over hers, his long hair falling in a tangled curtain around them both. “Definitely not saintly. Even as a Jedi. Like those crazy people who believed the Jedi were celibates.” 

“And they weren’t, were they?” 

He laughed again, “Are you kidding? Hell, no. You try telling a legion of emotionally sensitive teenagers they can never have sex. I can’t think of many who would stay with the Order.” 

“Most teenagers are overly emotional regardless of Force sensitivity. We have two living with us, if you haven’t noticed!” she brushed a piece of stay hair out of his face. 

“That’s the point. And trust me when I say that being sensitive to other people’s emotions when your hormones kick in only exacerbates the problem.” The stray hair fell back in his face as his mouth covered hers. 

Hera started giggling against his kiss. She broke away and said, “I now have this mental image of young little Jedi running around the galaxy begging people to have sex with them before they fully commit to joining the Order.” 

“Well, it doesn't exactly work like that, but that is why asking Jedi to be celibate is a silly idea. Attachments…” His fingers brushed against her face, keeping track of her reaction. “Getting attached… that’s when problems started.” 

“Meaning marriage… kids…” 

“Yeah,” he said, intentionally not expanding on the topic. 

Hera watched his face, wondering what was going on in that complicated mind of his as he considered his own attachments. Even though they had long ago agreed that the mission and their cause came first, there was no denying they were absolutely attached to each other. 

He kissed her again, slowly. His unruly long hair was now tickling her own face. 

“Your hair is a mess,” she said against his mouth. 

“And whose fault is that?” 

“It’s in your eyes.” She tried to get the hair coving his eyes to stay back, but it fell down again right in the middle of his face. 

“So? It doesn’t bother me,” he laughed lightly. 

“But I can’t see your face,” she complained, brushing it back more determinedly. 

He quirked an eyebrow at her. 

“Okay, let’s have it. The snide comment about how you can’t see my face.” 

“I wasn’t going to say that. Why repeat myself?” 

Now she took both hands and tried to pull it back but missed a few strands. 

“Here,” he said, rolling back a little and closing his eyes as he combed his hand through his hair until it smoothed out enough to stay back and away from his face. The position afforded here a nice view of his neck and some of his chest. Finished, he looked down at her face and smiled. “Better?” 

Hera hummed an affirmative. “That was kind of sexy.” 

“It was?” His fingers found her face again, feeling for the smile on her lips. “That’s nice to know.” He smiled, and Hera noted how his eyes seemed to meet hers. He’d done that several times recently, and it always gave her a thrill. 

“You’d be even sexier with a shaved face, though,” she said, scratching at his chin. 

“I would have to shave it all off, and I don’t want to do that.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because I don’t like my chin.” 

“So then leave the goatee,” she said. 

“I can’t do that.” 

“Why not?” 

His eyes met hers again in that curious way. “I’m blind, Hera!” he said very slowly through a laugh. “I can’t see to make it even.” 

She clicked her tongue, “I know you’re blind, but you said you could shave it all off.”

“Right. I could shave all of it off. But I don’t like my chin.”

“Well, what does that matter?” 

“Because it’s my chin.” 

“But you’re not going to see it anyway.” 

Kanan opened and then closed his mouth. And then erupted in a laugh. “You’re right, I’m not going to see it.” 

She kissed his cheek. “So you’ll shave it?”

“I’ll think about it.” With a sigh, he lowered himself again to rest along her shoulder and breast. “I find it very interesting that I mentioned how long it had been since we’d have some alone time and suddenly… we have alone time.” 

“I find it wonderful.” 

“How did you manage to pull this off?” He kissed her neck just below her ear cone and lightly circled her breast with his free hand. 

“We just got lucky, love” 

“Nope,” he said firmly. “There’s no such thing as luck.” He sucked on the skin where her shoulder met her neck, leaving a mark. 

“Why do you say that?” He was making it difficult to concentrate. 

“Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.” His fingers brushed over her collarbone and his mouth found her nipple.

“That’s rather profound,” she said as desire thrummed through her body. 

“Oh, that’s not mine. I’m not that smart,” he teased. “I just quote smart people.” 

“And what smart person are you quoting?” 

“My Master.” He said, it so matter-of-factly that she almost thought he was kidding, but the honest look on his face told her otherwise.

“Oh, well… I can’t argue with her.” 

He smiled and resumed his attention to her neck and breast. “And I assume it was just lucky that there were enough blankets and pillows here for a makeshift bed?” 

She’d been caught. “I brought these from The Ghost.” 

He circled his tongue around her nipple. “Preparation meets opportunity.” 

The teasing he was playing at slowly drove her a little crazy. Pulling him up to her mouth, she sucked in his bottom lip and rolled him off of her so their position was now exchanged. She made it her mission to drive him just as crazy and repay every kiss and nibble he’d done to her. 

When she was satisfied that he was writhing in enough sexual frustration, she slid her leg over his hip to straddle him. He was hard against her body, and she was very ready to show just how attached two people could be. Lowering herself on him, inch by delicious inch, he grabbed at her bottom and encouraged her onward. She rhythmically rose and fell over him as his hips met hers in the same dance. Aiding her in reaching her own release, he added just the right pressure with his fingers where they were joined. She toppled over the peak of her pleasure, contracting around him and bringing him spiraling down with her.  

They lay joined together for several heated moments as their hearts slowed and they breathing returned to normal. As their skin cooled, Kanan reached down and found the cover to pull it over them. They rolled to their sides so that he could wrap his arms around her as their lips met in a series of sweet kisses. When he stopped, his fingers again found her face as was now common place. Hera was completely used to his way of looking at her and found it very soothing. And after a moment, his white eyes met hers in that strangely familiar way.  

“That is so uncanny,” she said softly. 

“What is?” 

She almost didn’t want to say anything, but felt inclined to answer him. “It’s like you’re looking into my eyes. I know you’re not, but it feels like you are.” 

A sad smile formed on his face. “You’re right. I’m not” 

“How do you do that?” 

His fingers carefully traced her eyes. “I know where your eyes are, Hera. And I know where my eyes are.” He touched the very corner near her eye and then touched his own eye. “I can tell when your eyes are level with mine. I know that if I relax, my eyes should just focus forward. And I know that you will instinctively look into my eyes… because I’ve seen you do it.” 

She touched the side of his face. “It’s… nice, but also… sad.” 

“I don’t mean to make you sad.” He kissed her gently. “I just know how important it is to look into someone’s eyes.” Another kiss. “Especially your lover’s eyes.” And another kiss. “Especially after making love.” Another longer kiss. “I can’t do that now. But I don’t want to deny you that experience.” 

Her heart melted as she softly sighed out his name, “Oh, Kanan…” 

The kiss that followed was long and meaningfully, filled with unspoken emotion and yearning. As it ended, with their mouths still touching, the softest of whispers came from his lips. “I love you.” 

She nestled in against his chest and allowed the soothing rhythm of his heart to lure her to sleep. When she woke a while latter, she was somewhat surprised to find Kanan awake, his fingers lightly tracing circles on her lower back in a pattern that Hera knew matched the markings found there. Because he’d memorized them when he could see. Because he was refusing to forget them now that he was blind. 

“Morning,” he said softly. “Sun’s just coming up.” 

Her fingers found the hair at his neck as she glanced at the windows. He was right. The sun was coming up. He probably could feel the warmth. Or maybe his internal clock was just that spot on now. Or maybe it was The Force. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that the kids would be back soon, and Hera didn’t want to be caught pants down. Literally. 

“Morning.” She kissed him. “We need to get up and get going.” 

“Wait, please. Just a few more minutes.” He kissed her with determination. 

She knew where this was heading. Even though she wanted to give in, she knew there was a schedule to be met and work to be done. But it was really difficult to convince her body to get up when a naked and aroused Jedi was pressing you back into soft blankets and kissing you until your thoughts went fuzzy. 

“No more pretending,” he said against her mouth. 

“What.” 

“I’m not pretending anymore.” Rising up on his elbows above her, his hands framed her face so his fingers could measure her full facial expressions. “Every meal together, we sit next to each other and don’t touch. Every evening when it’s time to go to sleep, we separate without touching. Every time one of us leaves for a a day or so on a short mission, we don’t kiss each other good-bye. I’m not going to pretend anymore.” 

“Kanan –” 

“Ten years is a long time,” he replied. “People aren’t together for that long – working together, living together, sleeping together, building a family together – if there isn’t something more than just a cause keeping them going. We aren’t fooling anyone, Hera. If you honestly think that the kids – that _everyone_ doesn’t know, then you are the blind one here.” 

There was a long silence as Hera held very still and Kanan’s fingers made slight adjustments over her face, looking for a sign. “You know how I feel,” was her only reply. 

“Actually, Hera, do _you_ know how you feel?” 

That stung. “You are the most important person in my entire life, Kanan. There isn’t a plan in my head that doesn’t involve you. Every morning and every night, you are in my thoughts – in my heart. You’re right, ten years is a long time. I wouldn’t be with you still if that didn’t mean anything to me. My life doesn’t work now without you in it. But my life right now… is focused on this rebellion.” 

He nodded, and rolled to the side. They laid there quietly for a moment. “My life,” Kanan said, “is the rebellion, too, but mostly because you’ll be there at the end of it. I know you will be.” 

Hera wanted to ask him what he meant by that, but missed her chance as he moved away and sat up, leaving her body feeling somewhat chilled. 

“You’re gonna have to help me, though,” he said, standing up without the slightest bit of embarrassment over his nakedness.  

“Help you with what, love?” 

“My clothes. I have no idea where they are. I could crawl around on the floor looking for them, but it’d be a little more dignified if you would just hand them to me.” 

Hera chuckled and left the comfort of the blankets to gather his clothes and hand them to him. He took hold of her hand as she passed the clothes over and pulled her close for a soft kiss. “I mean it. No more pretending.” 

“Is that an order?’ 

He shook his head no. “Just giving you a heads up.” 

“Message received,” and she kissed him again before going to get her own clothes. 

But as she slipped on her flight suit and buckled the waist band, a sudden realization hit her very hard. She had been distracted lately. She’d been working so hard. There had been so many changes. And as her hand fell on her abdomen, she considered how long it had been since she’d seen a medic for her repress meds. 

No. She hadn’t forgotten, had she? She’d see a medic as soon as possible. Or Kanan’s plan of no more pretending was about to come to a full on, brute force, shocking revelation.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEXT CHAPTER:
> 
> Hera made a face. “Who would have thought that you and I would end up with kids?”
> 
> Something flashed in Kanan’s eyes. “You never wanted kids?”
> 
> “Nope."


	13. Before - Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera and Kanan discuss having three "kids" on board.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the Comments – castles_and_crowns, silverfox22, LadyDi418, Radaghast, rebelsfromstars  
> Thanks for the Kudos – DarthBreezy, Mez10000, starfall16, KiyoshiWren
> 
> Thanks for being an AMAZING beta reader - Amilyn
> 
> My recommendation this time is We'll See by castles-and-crowns. It's her take on the "divide" between Kanan and Hera. I SWEAR I wrote mine before I read hers!

_**BEFORE - KIDS** _

The thud that sounded a few rooms over was heavy and deep.  It was followed by a storm of racing footsteps charging down the corridor. That was followed by growl and another set of pounding feet – larger feet. Then mumbled voices. Then a yelp. And a crash of something breaking. 

Hera listened to the commotion while sitting on her bunk and trying to read some messages from Mon Mothma. She debated whether she should go investigate the trouble or just let them work it out.  The latter won.

After a quick rapping on her door, she said, “Come in.” 

Kanan slumped against the now open door.  “Can I hide in here with you?” 

“I’m not hiding.” Well, maybe she was. 

“But you’re not out there, so can I take refuge in here?” 

She nodded, and he pushed the button to close the door. “They are going to kill each other,” he said once the door shut. 

“No, they won’t.” 

“You’re right. They won’t. Zeb will take Ezra down too quickly and Ezra will die and Zeb will feel guilty for the rest of his life.

Hera chuckled. “That’s not happening. They just have to get used to each other. We can’t expect them to be best friends from the get go.” 

Kanan stepped further into the room. “Actually, yes we can. You can order them to behave or face consequences.” 

“Such as? It’s not like I’m going to fire them.” 

“No, but I know some parts of the ship that need super cleaning. Some very oily and gritty parts of the ship.” 

Another crash rattled through the ship followed by the thud of what sounded like a person falling to the floor.  Or maybe being thrown?

“And here I was anticipating difficulty between Sabine and Ezra,” Kanan said, taking a step into her room. “I didn’t consider Zeb would be the problem.” 

“Why would Sabine have a problem with Ezra?” 

Kanan gave her a _you-must-be-kidding_ sort of look. “Because he’s a teenage boy and she’s… you know.” 

Hera smirked. “I think Sabine can handle him.” 

“I know she can.” 

“Then that wouldn’t be a problem.” 

“Well, not for her, no.” 

Intrigued, Hera sat forward, pulling her legs under her. “You’re saying it’s a problem for Ezra?” 

“Absolutely,” Kanan took another step closer to her. 

“Just because he can’t control his own hormones?” 

Kanan was now right next to her bunk. “He actually can’t control that. Hormones implies it’s a natural reaction. What he can control is how he reacts to her based on his feelings.” 

“You said hormones, not feelings,” Hera said pointedly. 

“Ah, but feelings towards the opposite sex typically are rooted in hormones, especially when it comes to desire.” 

“But I don’t see how that’s Sabine’s fault.” 

“I never said it was.” 

“You’re making it sound like it’s okay for Ezra to behave in an overly flirtatious way regardless of the fact that Sabine has told him she isn’t interested.” 

Kanan sat down on the edge of the bed. “It’s not okay. That’s why he has a problem.” 

“All right then. Just so we’re clear.” 

“Crystal. I know better than anyone that a person can’t hold someone else accountable for their feelings.” 

Hara glowered at him. “Are we still talking about Sabine and Ezra?” 

“Who else would we talk about?’ 

The air suddenly became very thick and tense. Kanan just held onto Hera’s gaze with his sharp, penetrating eyes. 

“I didn’t say you could sit on my bunk,” Hera said. 

“I wasn’t sure how long our chat was going to last, so I sat down.” 

A grumble from the corridor caught both of their attention. Ezra’s mumbled voice. Light footsteps walking away. Zeb’s heavier steps following behind. 

“Maybe they made up,” Hera offered. 

“Maybe he admitted he was wrong,” Kanan countered. 

“Which one?” 

“Does it matter? As long as there’s peace.” 

Hera leaned further forward. “If they can both admit faults… and they can both forgive the faults of the other one… then I don’t see a problem.” 

“Is that for Sabine and Ezra or Zeb and Ezra?” 

“That’s for everyone.” 

Again, the silence was a heavy weight around them as she searched his face for understanding.  

“You’re good at this, you know,” he said softly. 

“What?” 

He nudged his head towards the door. “Dealing with them.  Parenting.” 

Hera made a face. “Who would have thought that you and I would end up with kids?” 

Something flashed in Kanan’s eyes. “You never wanted kids?” 

“Nope. I was raised in a war. I’m living in a war. I’m not going to do that to another being.” She frowned at him. “You don’t want kids, do you?” 

He made a little laugh noise. “Can’t. It’s forbidden.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Jedi. We aren’t supposed to form attachments like having a spouse or having kids.” 

“You don’t have to have a spouse to have kids.” 

“True, but it is the recommended process.” 

She laughed lightly.  “You still didn’t answer the question.” When he looked at her with a puzzled expression, she said, “I asked you if you wanted kids, not if you were allowed to have kids.” 

He looked at her again in an odd way before saying, “I think I have my hands full with the ones we already have.” 

“Still dodging the question,” she said. 

He sighed and leaned closer to her. “Okay… what if I did want kids?” 

There was a long pause as they just looked at each other. “I can see that. You as a father, I mean.” 

“And you’re going to make one hell of a mother,” he said softly. 

Hera’s smile instantly fell. “What?” 

Another very loud crash was followed by a high pitched wail. Kanan’s head whipped around. “I better go before they destroy the whole ship."

“But wait,” she said, taking his hand as he stood up. “What did you mean?” It hadn’t escaped her that he’d spoken with regards to the future. 

“I mean that if I don’t put a stop to this, Zeb and Ezra are going to break something that can’t be fixed! Possibly each other.” He pulled away from her and went to the door. 

“No, you said… about me… being a mother?” 

“Oh, that I said I think you’d be a great mother?” 

“That’s not what you said.” 

He frowned. “Well, that’s what I meant.” 

With another smile, he left her room and headed in the direction of the last crash. Hera could hear his voice scolding Zeb and Ezra. He was going to make them clean out the storage units, mop them all down, wipe them clean, and reorganize them. Together. Hera smiled at the grumbles of displeasure. The storage units were covered in Force knows what with any kind of creepy crawly bug hiding in the dark. It was a good choice. Maybe it would work. 

She waited until she heard him walking back to his bunk, which was on the other side of her own. She heard his steps stop just at her door. What they had said, and what they had implied, still rolled around in her brain. 

They’d been very polite to each other over the last year. Very respectful. Very controlled and appropriate. Just as she had requested. 

And she hated it. 

She missed the flirting and the suggestive looks he used to give her. She missed the wildness of unexpected rendezvous. She missed… him. This was one of the only times he’d been in her bunk in the last year. And the banter they’d just shared had been the most suggestive they’d shared in that time, if you could even call it suggestive. 

Now, as he stood outside her door, she wondered if he stood there because he wanted to come in or if he just wanted to tell her about Zeb and Ezra but assumed she was asleep.  And when she heard him take the few steps to his own door, she realized she couldn’t leave the conversation without some closure. 

Heading out into the corridor, she managed to just be able to follow him into his own room. He looked surprised to see her. “Hey, I was going to tell you that –” 

She stopped his words by pressing her mouth to his in a kiss. When she pulled away, she held onto his wide eyes with her own. 

“I can admit to my faults if you can admit to yours,” she suggested. 

“And those would be?” 

“That I am overly focused on my job at the risk of losing someone very special to me.” 

He thought a moment. “And I want more than you are ready to give.” 

“But I don’t want to lose you,” she said, sliding her hands up his chest to his neck. 

“And what you are willing to give me is enough.” He pulled her against him, his arms going around her middle. 

“I can be very quiet,” she whispered against his mouth. 

“Maybe I don’t want you to be quiet. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard you scream out my name.” He kissed her. “Well, you know, in a good way and not in a come-help-with-this-problem kind of way.” 

“Only about a year,” she said, kissing him back with a small chuckle. 

“Fourteen months, one week, two days. But who’s counting?” 

He kissed her deeply, pressing her back against the wall so he could hit the locking button on the door. Once they were sure to be left alone, he made short time of undressing her and leading her to the bed where he made slow, tantalizing, and luxurious love to her. It was thrilling to try and stay as quiet as possible while reveling in the overwhelming feel of his body joined to hers. And when their passion had been stated, she draped her body over his and reveled in the afterglow of the euphoria. 

“Promise me we won’t ever again go that long without making love,” he said sleepily. 

“I promise,” she said, dropping a kiss on his firm pectoral. 

“One more thing,” he hushed. “You still take your repressor meds, right?” 

That hadn’t been what she was expecting him to say. “Yes. Why?” 

He exhaled slowly.  “Just checking.” 

She hummed a little laugh and burrowed closer to him, sleep coming on fast. “Still not wanting to be a father.” 

Kanan yawned, and she felt his whole body relax into her. The moment before sleep took over, she could have sworn he said, “Not yet.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “No. There’s something… off… about the Force. Who was that?”
> 
> Hera sighed, knowing too well it was impossible to lie about the Force to someone who knew it better than she did. “Master Skywalker.”


	14. After - Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life without a missing piece is never simple or easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SOOOO sorry it took this long! The school year ended and ate up the end of May! Also, my amazing, wonderful, brilliant, I-don't-have-words-to-express-how-much-I-owe-her Beta reader, Amilyn, and I just couldn't coordinate until recently. I'm happy to say that the fic is FINISHED and I have two extra chapters to share as a result. So I will post those in a few days and you won't have long to wait. 
> 
> Thank you to the following for the following:  
> Kudos – MohnblumenKind  
> Comments – lgbtahsoka, MohnblumenKind, Radaghast, castle_and_crowns, Gift, silverfox22, asimbelmyne, rebelsfromstars
> 
>  
> 
> Now, please make sure you read the note at the end of this, because my take on this situation is probably very different from what most everyone else believes. At least, that's from what I've been reading.

_** After – Kids ** _

It was suspiciously quiet and still, which is never good. Hera looked up from her data pad and looked over her shoulder down the corridor out of the cockpit. Nothing.  She saw nothing and heard nothing. Then she looked outside at the grassy plain surrounding where The Ghost currently was docked. Her eyes honed in on the slight movement outside. She smiled, set down the data pad, and headed out of the ship. 

She found him in the grass hunched over a tiny bug. A warning went off in her head that the creature was a theskoid, a multicolored insect that held a stinger in it’s back. It wasn’t overly poisonous, but it certainly wasn’t anything to mess with.   

“Pretty!” the small voice said, poking a finger at the colors. 

“Jacen, don’t!” 

But it was too late, the theskoid struck out with it’s natural defenses and stung the threatening finger, causing the five-year-old boy to jump in pain. 

“OUCH!” he pulled his hand away and stuck his hurt finger in his mouth.  His eyes focused on the creature. His unharmed hand hovered over the creature, fingers stretched wide, and slowly began to close into a claw shape. The theskoid flipped over and wiggled in what Hera interpreted as pain. 

“Jacen, stop,” she said, trying not to panic. 

“It hurt me!” 

“I know.” 

“I can hurt it back!” 

She took his clawed hand in her own and turned his face to look up at hers.  “But you can’t. You shouldn’t.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because it’s wrong.” 

“What it did was wrong!” 

“But it didn’t know that. All he knew was that a very big finger was poking at it.” 

“I wasn’t going to hurt it,” the boy said with a whine. 

“I know, but can you see how much bigger you are than the bug? Hurting him isn’t a good way to use your abilities.” 

“But why?” 

Hera sighed deeply and fully lowered herself to his level.  “You must only use the Force as a tool for good and never as a weapon to do harm.” Big blue eyes stared up at her from under a mop of green hair. “Say it after me. Only use the Force as a tool for good.” 

“Only use the Force as a tool for good,” he repeated. 

“And never as a weapon to do harm.” 

“And never as a weapon to do harm.” 

She ran her fingers through his soft, thick hair, so like the texture of his father’s. “Every time you feel the Force, say that to yourself.  Ask yourself if you are using the Force for good or for harm. Only use it for good.” 

“Only for good,” he said again. “But my finger still hurts.” He held it up to show her the red mark. 

“Let’s put some ice on that.” Standing up, she reached out her hand to his small one. He took her hand and let her lead him back on board the ship that was their home. 

***

Exhausted after a long day of listening to negotiations and feeling ready to collapse on her own bunk, Hera paused at the door to her son’s room. She hadn’t seen him much in the last few days, so she pressed the button to open the door with the intention of spending a few moments with him before bed. As the door slid open, she saw him quickly hide something under his covers. He sat cross legged on the bed with the blanket over him, a forced look of innocence on his eight-year-old face. 

“Hi, mom!” he said with a very wide grin. 

“What do you have that you don’t want me to see?” She’d learned a long time ago that it didn’t pay off to try to wriggle things out of him. He had the ability to lie his way out of most situations, a trait he’s obviously inherited from his father. 

He opened his mouth, and Hera could almost see the wheels spinning in his mind as he considered the stories he could make up. As his face fell, she knew he’d tell the truth. “Promise you won’t get mad at me?” 

“I can’t promise that until I know what you have.” 

He exhaled loudly and lifted a cube object out from under the covers. “I didn’t purposefully go looking for it. It was like it wanted me to find it. And I wouldn’t have gone in his room, but it was like I had to. I dunno.  I can’t explain it.” 

Hera sat down on the bed next to him. “How long have you had it?” 

His worried expression deepened. “Since yesterday. It’s like I can feel it inside me. And I can – ” He stopped abruptly and looked down, hiding his eyes. 

“You can what?” 

“Promise you won’t get angry?” He looked up at her form under his lashes, pleading with her. 

“Jacen, just show me.” 

His hands opened, and the object floated between his palms. Literally. It just hung in the air between his two hands through the power of the Force. After a moment, he grabbed it with his hand and looked up at his mother. 

“I’ve never been able to do that before. And I’ve tried with some other objects, and it just doesn’t do much. I can kind of move things, but not like this.” 

Hera’s heart thudded in her chest as how scared he seemed. “I’m not angry with you,” she soothed, touching his leg. 

“You aren’t?” 

She shook her head. “Why would I be? The Force is strong in you. You’re just discovering your abilities.” 

“But why can I feel this and not other things?” 

She smiled at him. “It’s a Jedi Holocron.  I’m not sure, but I guess it has some kind of connection to the Force.” 

“A holocron,” he said, marveling at the object. 

“As for taking it out of your father’s room… he wanted you to have it.” 

Unable to hold in his surprise, he gaped at her. “How? He died before I was born.” 

“You’re going to have to trust me,” she said. “He wanted you to have this.” 

Jacen focused down on the holocron and used the Force to balance it in the air between his hands again. Hera smiled at her son, not knowing how quickly Force abilities developed but understanding that it was probably going to be sooner rather than later that she would fully explain everything to him. 

***

“NOOOOOO!!!!!!!” 

The scream that pierced through the air rattled the walls of the ship. Bolting up in her bed, Hera’s heart shattered in fear. She didn’t even bother putting on a robe or turning on the lights before darting out of the room and around the next door to where her son slept. 

“NO NO NO NO!!!!” 

As the door to his room opened, she saw him even in the dark thrashing around on the bed, still crying out in abject terror. 

“IT BURNS!!!!” 

Hera darted to his side and tried calming him.  “You’re okay, Jacen. Wake up. You’re dreaming.” 

“FIRE! FIRE EVERYWHERE! NO!! HE’S DYING!” 

“Jacen!” she said, pulling him against her body and pushing the sweat drenched hair away fro his face. “Wake up! It’s just a dream!” 

“HELP HIM!!!” 

“JACEN!” Hera shook him now, and his terrified eyes flew open and met hers. 

“He died!” the ten-year-old boy cried out. “He looked right at us and chose to die!” 

The sob that tore out of his throat was one of pain and horror. He rolled onto his side absolutely shaking in tears. Hera had never heard him cry like that, not even as an infant, and the sound of his anguish chilled her to the bone.  The pain in his cry left her breathless as did the memory of that moment. 

“Jacen, look at me,” she said, rubbing his back, hoping it would soothe. 

“Is that how he died? My father?” he asked through broken sobs. 

“Yes,” she said somewhat hesitantly. “It was an explosion.” 

“He chose to leave us?” 

“No,” she corrected. “He chose to save us - Ezra, Sabine, you, and me - all of us on the shuttle.” 

“That’s not how it looked it me.” 

“You weren’t there.” 

“Yes, I was,” he challenged. “He looked right at you and Ezra. And he chose to die.” He buried his face in the pillow and cried. 

“Jacen, it’s not what you think. He chose to save us. He couldn’t save us and himself.” 

But Jacen shook his head, not taking it all in. “But I saw him. He made the choice.” 

“Yes, it was a choice. He chose to save us over himself, and I’m sure if there was any way he could have managed to save us all, he would have."   

Jacen wiped at his wet face. “What is happening to me, mom?” 

She paused, confused. “What do you mean?” 

“These dreams. Why does this happen to me?” 

“I think it’s a Force vision.”

“But why do I have to feel these things? Why me?” 

“It’s the Force, sweetheart. You’re Force sensitive.” 

“Well, I hate it!  And I don’t want it!” 

Hera brushed at his damp hair, trying to calm him, cool him down. “I can see why you think that right now, but you have to give it time.” 

“I don’t want to give it time! I hate this, mom. I just want it to go away!” 

Hera looked up and closed her eyes, thinking through every fact and detail she had ever heard about the Force from Kanan. Trying to find something that might calm Jacen’s pain and fear. If only Kanan was here...

_Kanan? Is this the right time? Do I show him now?_  

As Jacen’s tears turned into a few small sobs here and there and his breath slowed, the answer Hera heard in her heart was a resounding, _Not yet_.

 

*** 

Hera heard Jacen coming out of his room. She had hoped he’d stay asleep, but knew his Force sensitivity would be triggered by the visitor. She turned her back on the figure in the distance walking away and focused on Jacen . 

It was a small residence, one she had secured a year or so ago because Jacen didn’t really have a home planet. He’d never felt perfectly welcome on Ryloth given his lack of lekku and more human features. They’d spent a lot of time on Lothal, but it held too many memories for Hera to feel comfortable living there. So when the New Republic set up a base on Wobani in their attempt to improve conditions and strengthen the mid-rim planet systems, Hera took the offer if only to give Jacen a planet to think of as his home for awhile. Maybe it would help him with whatever was making him so unstable. 

“Who was here?” he asked, rubbing sleep from his eyes. 

“No one you need to worry about,” she said. “Come on, I’ll get you some breakfast.” 

Jacen didn’t follow her even though she offered her hand. His focus was on the tiny figure in the far distance. “No. There’s something… off… in the Force. Who was that?” 

Hera sighed, knowing too well it was impossible to lie about the Force to someone who knew it better than she did.  “Master Skywalker.” 

His head whipped around, eyes going wide. “Did he come to see me?” 

“He came to talk to me… about you.” 

The twelve-year-old literally started bouncing in anticipation. “What did he want? Is he starting an academy? Does he want me? Mom, please! Does he want me to come?” 

Hera fought back her emotions. It was wonderful to see him so excited and happy. He’d been so withdrawn lately. However, Hera knew her words would be difficult for him to hear. “He is looking at starting an academy for Force-sensitive children.” 

The smile that lit up Jacen’s face was the biggest one Hera had seen in months. “And does he want me to come? You told him what I can do, didn’t you?” 

“He wants you to come.” 

Jacen screeched in utter joy. “When do I leave? What can I take with me? Can I take the holocron? Where will it be? How many are going?” The words spilled out of him with such wonder. 

“Jacen,” she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you go.”

He looked at her blankly. “What?” 

“I can’t let you go. I’m so sorry. I know you want —” 

“Why not? Why would you tell him that?” 

“Because… you aren’t supposed to go with him.” 

Anger was boiling under the surface of his eyes. “What are you talking about?” 

“You have to trust me. He isn’t the one who should train you.” 

“He’s the only one who can! Mom, why would you do this to me?” 

“I just know. It’s what I was told.” Finding it difficult to look at his hurt expression, she headed into the house. 

Now, he chased after her. “Who told you? Did someone tell you I couldn’t do it?” 

“No, that isn’t it.” 

“Then what is it? Who would even care?” 

Knowing this was going to open a whole argument, Hera steeled herself and said, “Your father.” 

“My father?” he said, nearly spitting the word out. “My all-powerful father, who trained Ezra when he was orphaned but who didn’t stick around to train me? Now that I’m the one alone, I think it would be only fair for me to train with Skywalker.” 

“You’re not alone,” Hera winced. “And it isn’t that he didn’t want you trained, just that you shouldn’t be with Luke.” 

“So what was good for Ezra is not good for me? Must have been great to be Ezra!” Jacen rolled his eyes.  “How could my father tell you anything about me anyway? He died before I was even born!” 

“You just have to trust me.”

“No!” His hard voice made Hera do a double take. “I’m done with that! You always say that, but it’s not enough anymore!” 

She reached out to take his hand. “Jacen, listen to me – ” 

He jerked away from her. “No! If you’re going to use my dead father as an excuse again, then I don’t want to hear it! You use him to justify everything when I disagree with you! He’s dead, so you worry and I have to pay for that every day!” 

Hera was really starting to get ticked off. “You need to calm down, young man.” 

“Calm down? When you are using a dead man who never knew me as an excuse?” 

“I’m only doing what he wanted,” Hera said. 

“How do you know what he wanted? You don’t have the Force! You don’t understand, but I do. He spent years training some kid that wasn’t even his kid and then threw his life away before he could even know me! And the kid he trained even left us!” 

Hera’s own anger flared. “I’ve told you time and again, your father did NOT throw his life away! You’re here! He did it for you!” 

“Which makes no sense!” 

“If you’d just calm down -”    

“No, mom! No! I will not calm down.” 

“Stop it – ” 

He wouldn’t hear her. Instead, he turned and ran through the small room to the outdoor docking area where their landspeeder was kept. Hera followed him and watched as he hopped in and went to switch it on. Having guessed he might try to run off, Hera had removed the ignition card before Luke left. Jacen looked over at her, eyes filled with rage, and homed in on the card in her hand. 

“Give it to me!” he said, hopping out and reaching his hand out towards her. 

“I won’t. Not until you listen to me,” she said, trying to keep her cool. Suddenly, there was a pull on the card from an unseen energy she didn't expect. She glanced between Jacen standing a few meters away and the card in her hand. The muscles in his arm strained, his hand formed an open claw as he willed the card towards him. Hera had to hold on with both hands to keep the card from flying over to Jacen. 

“Jacen, stop this!” 

“Give it to me!” 

He pulled harder, sending Hera staggering a step. “Look at what you are doing!” she cried. “Don’t use your anger at me!” 

Jacen held on to his pull for a few more heartbeats, and then let go. The sudden release sent Hera stumbling backwards, but she caught herself before she fell. 

Panting from the exertion and on the brink of tears, he said, “You knew this was what I wanted! What I needed! I feel the Force! I need a teacher, and Master Skywalker is the only one who can help me!” 

“You don’t know that.” 

“Who else then, mom? Who else? ‘Cause I don’t see any other Jedi around here!” 

“Look, I know you’re angry and confused. I know how you feel.” 

“NO YOU DON’T!” he shouted. “You have no idea what I feel. You don’t feel the Force. You don’t know what it is I’m going though. You have no clue! And you want to stop me from going with the one person who can explain it to me!” 

“It isn’t that I don’t want you to learn. I just know it shouldn’t be with Luke.” 

“Why? Because some dead man said something a long time ago that left you scared? Because he used the Force and still died? Stop using his death as an excuse!” 

How was she ever going to explain this to him? “I just don’t want to lose you.” 

“Lose me?” His breathing was heavy as he took a step back from her. “You already lost me.  You lost me a long time ago.” With a sob, he turned and ran back into the house.

Hera watched him go. After a moment of silence, she spoke to the thin air. “That’s it, isn’t it? It’s time for him to know.” 

A voice, so clear, so deep, so present, filled her mind.

_Show him._  

Hera went into her bedroom and opened the box she’d found when Jacen was a newborn. She took out the small device that she’d protected for twelve years and headed to his room. He was sprawled out on his bed, face buried in his pillow as he cried. 

Softly, carefully, she said, “Jacen, you need to know something.” 

“Get out! I don’t want to talk to you!” 

“It’s not me that will do the talking. I have something for you.” 

“The only thing I want you won’t let me have!” 

“You’ll want this.” 

“I don’t want anything from you!” He pulled the pillow over his head to shut her out. 

She placed the device on his bedside table and pressed the top causing it to open. She clicked the button on the side and it lit up revealing a hologram floating above. Hera looked at face in the hologram with such yearning and love. 

“Hi Hera,” the hologram said. “It’s Kanan. Although… you can see that,” he smirked. 

At the sound of the voice, Jacen threw the pillow aside and turned around, bolting up to a sitting position. The look on his face was a combination of confusion and longing. “It’s… Is it…?” 

With a knowing smile, she reached out to him and lightly ruffled his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only moment we see Jacen is as a very young child for a few second with his mom in the cockpit of the Ghost. That's all. The reality of this fictitious kid's life is that he grows up with special abilities and no one to show him how to use those abilities. He also grows up with his mom coming and going as she fights a war. And anyone who has teenagers knows that as puberty hits, so does the arguing and the challenging of authority and the disbelief. We ALL become our parents, saying things to kids that we rolled our eyes at. I don't think Jacen had an unhappy life. Hera loves him desperately! But I do think it was difficult and hard on him and Hera. And... please trust me that I wouldn't leave them in despair. 
> 
> Next chapter... Before - Good-Bye
> 
> He shifted her to his side so that they could be face to face. “We needed a way to stop the Sith. Ezra had a Force vision. Malachor is the answer he was given.  As Jedi, we can’t ignore that.”


	15. Before - Good-Bye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera has a worried feeling about Kanan and Ezra's mission to Malachor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was re-watching season 2 of Rebels when I noticed in the Episode with the spider things where they all go into a cave and split up that Hera says something very interesting. They split up and she sends Kanan and Ezra together and she goes with Zeb and Sabine. Zeb says, “Shouldn’t we have a Jedi on each team?” And she says, “We’ve got to get used to not having them around.” There is even a painful look that passes between Kanan and Hera at that point. Ugh. Knowing that they really were space married makes that scene so much more meaningful. Anyway, it's short, but here’s the LAST moment before…
> 
> Thanks for Comments – LadyDi418, Radaghast, Gift, mumblingmaria  
> Thanks for Kudos – mumblingmaria, choppersyndulla

 

_**Before - Good-Bye** _

Hera had always defined herself by her talents and her goals. She was one of the best pilots the galaxy would ever know. She was an excellent leader of her own group while still maintaining the ability to follow orders from outside superiors. She was clever and witty and able to reason with great intellect. She was strong. She was driven. But all of those definitions paled when she thought of living a life without him. Why? 

Because she was in love.   

What she had fought against for so long was now perfectly indisputable. As she wrapped her arms around his solid body and rested her head against his warm chest, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she loved him. 

He swore he would be okay. He swore he would come back. He swore she didn’t have anything to worry about. He’d told her as much just before they had arrived at their new base on Atollon. As they laid wrapped up in each other, she’d said how much the base was going to mean to the rebellion. 

“But all of that won’t matter unless we can stop Vader and the Inquisitors.” 

It wasn’t the mention of the Sith sent a chill down Hera’s spine. “We?” she asked. “Who’s we?” 

“Ezra, Ahoska, and me.” 

She pushed up on his chest so she could see his face better. “I thought that whole Malachor thing was between Ezra and Ahoska.” 

“It’s for all of us,” he said, tracing a path down one lek. 

She wasn’t going to let him distract her from his intentions. “So you’re going to go with them? You’re going to leave?” 

“Hera,” he drew out her name. “You make it sound as if I’m abandoning you and the crew.” 

“Aren’t you?” she said, unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice. 

“No, not at all.” He shifted her to his side so that they could be face to face. “We needed a way to stop the Sith. Ezra had a Force vision. Malachor is the answer he was given.  As Jedi, we can’t ignore that.” 

“And if you find what you are looking for there? Then what?” 

“Then… we use it to stop the Sith.” 

“How?” 

Kanan rolled onto his back with a sigh. After a moment, he turned his head to look over at her.  “Haven’t you seen enough of the Force to understand that we just have to trust it?” 

“I do trust it,” she said, pressing closer to him, feeling the warmth of his body. “But just because you say the answer is on Malachor doesn’t mean you will come back to me.” 

Kanan bit at his lip and turned towards her. Wrapping his arms around her, he pressed a kiss to her mouth and said, “I will come back. You watch. We’re going to be okay.” 

She had wanted to believe him, but with her head currently pressed against his heart, she knew he was lying. Maybe he would be okay, but how was he defining “okay” in this instance? Maybe he would come back, but in what state would he be? Alive or dead? 

As he stroked her back and rested his head against hers, she wished they could stay like that forever. This moment of quiet, in this beautiful sunset, wrapped up in the arms of the man she’d loved for eight years now, all she wanted was more of this. More of him. More of them.   

She leaned back to look up at his beautiful turquoise eyes and handsome face, and he smiled in return. For a long, long moment they just stared into each other’s eyes. Hoping. Wishing. Longing for what went unspoken. 

“Say it,” she said softly, convinced a declaration of love was ready to fall from his lips. 

“What?” 

“I can see it on the tip of your tongue. So just say it. You won’t get an argument from me.” She meant that. For the first time, she was ready to hear it.  She was even considering saying it back. 

“No,” he shook his head.  

“Why not?” 

“Because… I’m not going to say good-bye,” he said. 

She blinked, so completely left cold by the prospect. “Good-bye?” 

“Nope. Take it back, because this is not good-bye.” He smiled, his fingers lightly brushing the small of her back. 

“Are you sure of that?” 

“I’m certain.” 

She snuggled back into the center of his chest. “I want to believe that.” 

“Hey, look at me.” He pulled her back again to look down at her. “I mean it, Hera. This is not good-bye. You understand?” 

She swallowed the lump in her throat. “How can you be so certain?” 

“The Force,” he said with a sad smile. 

Hera sighed and rested her forehead on his shoulder. 

“But listen,” Kanan continued after a moment, “if something does happen…” 

“You said you’d be okay.” Her voice came out more high pitched than normal. 

“I know, but just in case –” 

She pulled away from him. “Don’t give me that! You either are or you aren’t. Either you know or you don’t.” 

Kanan nodded at her. “Fine. I know. All right.  I know.” 

“Good.” 

He pulled her against him again, and she could hear and feel his heart racing against his ribs. After all they had been through - after all the will we/won’t we moments – Hera knew things were about to change. Something was coming – something that didn’t sit well with her. Given how well she could read Kanan, she knew it didn’t sit well with him either. 

She was vaguely aware of Ezra, Sabine, and Zeb in the distance. They would absolutely be able to see the far too personal and romantic hug taking place. That should have bothered Hera, but it didn’t. She was perfectly content to stay right here for as long as possible. 

Unfortunately, that wasn’t a very long time for Ezra called to Kanan for some help with something. Before he walked away from her, he caressed the side of her face and gave her a warm smile.   

“Please trust me. Trust the Force,” he said. 

She exhaled slowly. “That’s easier said than done sometimes.” 

“Listen,” he said, his voice dropping to a near whisper, “if I knew this was the last time I’d see this beautiful face, I wouldn’t be wasting time out here. We’d be in your room naked until the very last moment. As it is, I need to go help Ezra. Okay?” 

She wanted to kiss him. Hard. They were completely exposed, out in the open where everyone could view them. None of that should matter.  What she should do was grab his face, pull him to her, and kiss him as if her life depended on it, which it quite possibly could. What she did, however, was hold herself in check and let him slip away. She dropped her hands and allowed him to walk away. Step by aching step, the distance between them increased. 

But she couldn’t look away. She couldn’t focus on anything but him and the possibility that this might be the last time she would see him.  She remembered what she had told Zeb in the cave, and knew she should take her own advice and learn to live without the Jedi.  Regardless of what Kanan said – regardless of the Force and what he felt – she was still afraid for what would come on the other side of this mission to Malachor.   

Too quickly, Kanan followed Ezra inside the Ghost and vanished from her sight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are a hive five.  
> Comments are hugs.  
> If you love fan fiction, make sure you do one of the following when you read! 
> 
> Next Chapter: After - Good-Bye
> 
> "A whole legion of Force sensitive people didn’t see the end coming, and it came so fast. So, how can any of us ever know? I should say that I really don’t feel this is the end. Not at all. I feel there is so much more you and I and our crew have to do. But I also know I need to make this holo.”


	16. After - Good-Bye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karan's messages to Hera... and Jacen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for following along and letting me play in this wonderful universe. This is the end of this particular fic. I do have some of these moments from Kanan's PoV, so I'm considering posting those, but I'm not sure how much time I can devote to it. I love these characters and I'm glad some of you have enjoyed my take on what happened. Here's to hoping that we see more of these characters in future Star Wars stories. 
> 
> Thank you for the following -  
> Comments: castles_and_crowns, readess, Kate, radaghast, Gift, ananstronaut, MonblumenKind,  
> Kudos: blueboxdrifter  
> Bookmarks: silverfox22
> 
> And many MANY thanks to my beta reader Amilyn for making this somewhat ok fic even better! I owe you so much!

 

_**AFTER - Good-Bye** _

Hera watched closely as Jacen listened to his father voice for the first time. She’d showed him images since he was a little boy, so of course he knew what Kanan had looked like. But a voice – a hologram – that was very different. It was the closest thing to actually being with Kanan. 

“I’ve never made one of these holos before,” Kanan said. “And I don’t have a really good reason to make this now, but I have this feeling I should.” Hera was always taken by how young Kanan looked in this first holo. His goatee was neat and trimmed and his hair was shorter than the Kanan that lived in her mind. And his eyes were so bright and full of color. For some reason, the Kanan that she saw when she closed her eyes was perpetually blind, even though he was sighted for the majority of their time together. But those private moments they shared when he was blind seemed much more ingrained in her memory than any others. 

“You said something the other night that made me think about it,” Kanan continued. “When you were talking about your mother and how losing her was a surprise. I feel the same about the Jedi. A whole legion of Force sensitive people didn’t see the end coming, and it came so fast. So, how can any of us ever know? I should say that I really don’t feel this is the end. Not at all. I feel there is so much more you and I and our crew have to do. But I also _know_ I need to make this holo.” 

Jacen looked up at her. “How long have you had this?” 

“A while.” 

“And you didn’t show me?” 

“Just watch, okay? It will all be explained.” 

Jacen huffed but kept his gaze on the holo. 

“See, it’s because of the Force,” Kanan explained. “And this is difficult for someone to understand who doesn’t have the ability to sense the Force, so just bear with me. The Force is always there because life creates it. It surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds us together. And if you can sense it, then you can always sense it. You can’t turn it on and off. It’s always there.” 

Jacen was sitting up, intently focused on the message. 

“The difference comes when you are trained,” Kanan continued. “Without training, you sense it like a niggling sensation in the back of your head. Maybe your instincts are stronger. Maybe you can even have a Force vision. You could even eventually call an object to your hand. But it’s dangerous. See, without training, it's tempting to use it for personal gain rather than to help others. It’s an easy thing to do, and it happens quickly. Instinct kicks in and you end up using it against someone or in a way that manipulates or even hurts someone. But the Force should only be used as a tool for good and never as a weapon to do harm.” 

Jacen gasped and pointed at the holo. “You told me that!” 

“No, your father did. Just watch.” 

“Through training,” Kanan pressed on, “we learn how to use that tool. We learn to listen to it, to open ourselves up to it, to rely on it. And the more open we are, the better it guides us. And the more we follow that guide, the easier it is to be open to it. And see, Hera, I’ve been opening myself to it so much lately. There was a time only a few years ago where I tried so hard to shut it off. But now, I’m open to it. And it’s showing me things. Things like the fact that I need to make this holo and explain the Force to you, even though I have no idea why.” 

Kanan shifted and scratched at his beard in that oh so familiar way. “I think the reason you need to know this is because… if I’m gone… if you’re watching this, then something happened to me. The only possible situations that would keep me from you are if I was killed on one of our missions or if the Force showed me that you and the crew would only survive if I made a sacrifice. You have to understand that if that is the case, I wouldn’t make that choice if I didn’t know the Force was guiding me in the only direction possible. But like I said, I don’t think that’s going to happen for a long time. And I know this because…” 

Kanan stopped and looked slightly uncomfortable. Jacen looked up at Hera. 

“What’s wrong with him?” 

“Just watch,” she said again. 

Jacen rolled his eyes, but kept watching. 

“Okay, you’re going to think I’m crazy,” Kanan said at long last. “I can actually see you standing there, arms crossed, one eyebrow up, shaking your head at me and saying, ‘Kanan, do you have any idea how crazy that sounds?’ Yes! Yes, I do. Which is why I haven’t told you about this sooner, but here goes. Okay?” He took a deep breath in and exhaled it audibly. “I’ve had these visions of this kid. This boy. I’ve seen him about four or five times now. He’s humanoid and about thirteen or so years old. I don’t see him clearly, just like a figure. He’s Force sensitive but untrained. I sense his emotion more than anything because he’s lost. He’s alone. I don’t know if that means he’s an orphan or if he can’t find his parents or what. But he needs us. You and me. He needs _us_. And I haven’t met this kid yet, so I don’t think my time is up. But if you are watching this and we haven’t found him yet, I wanted you to know about him so you could be looking for him.” 

With another eye roll, Jacen said, “Ezra. Was this before Ezra?” 

“It was, yes,” Hera answered. 

Jacen grumbled something under his breath and sulked, but kept watching the holo. 

“And lastly, if you are watching this after I’m gone, then I need you to know…”

Kanan swallowed hard, his gaze becoming more serious and determined. “I love you, Hera. I love you so much. And I know things have been… different since Sabine came on board. And I know what you said you wanted, but I have a feeling that if that’s how we left things, that you would regret it and blame yourself. And you can’t. I don’t want that. So please just focus on how much I love you and how much you’ve meant to me. Meeting you – loving you – was the best thing that ever happened to me.” 

There was a long pause. Hera could feel Jacen’s eyes shifting from the holographic form of his father up to her own, placing them together in his mind. Seeing them face to face, so to speak, for the first time. But she did not look at him. She stayed focused on Kanan. 

“That’s all for now,” Kanan sighed. “I’m not sure how to end this, so I’ll say that I love you, and I know you’re going to be there at the end of this rebellion. I know it. Don’t stop fighting for what you believe. And may the Force be with you. Kanan out.” 

As the hologram went to static and then vanished, Jacen turned to look up at Hera. “Why didn’t you show me this a long time ago?” 

Hera cocked an eyebrow at her son. “That’s another question for your father.” 

“But he didn’t say anything about that.” 

“Not in this message, no. But he left more messages.” 

Jacen’s eyes went wide. “There’s more? How many?” 

“There are three altogether. Ready for the second one?” 

The boy nodded, and Hera touched the button on the holo display again. For the second time, Kanan’s form appeared before them. He was slightly older and looked much more serious than before.    

“Hi, Hera. I uh… I hadn’t planned on making another one of these, but I feel like I have to explain something. You uh…” His face turned to the side as he looked at something off in the distance. “You just called me out on lying to you. I’m not. Well, not really. So, I wanted to explain myself because I just don’t know what’s on the other side of this trip to Malachor. I told you we’d be okay, and you said I was lying. Sort of. Here’s what I know; you and I will see each other again. Absolutely. You and I are not finished. I know this because of the kid, the one I told you about in the other holo. I know you’re probably thinking that it’s Ezra, because I thought so, too! But he’s not. There is another kid out there. I guess we’re meant to take in a whole host of youngsters on this ship.” He laughed, but it seemed somewhat forced. 

“I’ve seen him a little more clearly. After Ezra came on board, I reached out in the Force to see what I needed to show him – why it was important for me to find him.  And what I saw – _who_ I saw was not Ezra. The boy we’re supposed to help has green hair.” 

An audible gasp left Jacen’s throat, but his eyes never left the image on the holo. Hera watched her son closely knowing what was coming next would be hard to hear. 

“I’m not sure what species he is, but he’s humanoid with green hair. About thirteen years old. Force sensitive. And he’s hurting. I sense his anger so much more now than I ever did before. He’s so… lost… and angry. I know I have to find this kid because he needs us. I actually feel like he needs you more than he needs me, but I have to find him first. Since I haven’t found him, then I know that my time isn’t up yet.” 

Tears had formed in Jacen’s eyes. He’d hunched over and covered his mouth with his hands as he listened to his father. 

“What I’m not telling you,” Kanan said, “is that I’m not sure when that’s going to happen. I know something big is about to happen. Something that I’m not being shown. It’s like a big, black wall stopping me from seeing what’s on the other side. I can’t see it at all. I can’t see… me… on the other side. I don’t know how else to explain it. I can feel there is more – sense it. But I can’t see it.” 

“Because he’s blind?” Jacen said in a hushed voice without looking at Hera. 

“I don’t know if that means you and I are going to be separated for a while or if I’m going to be out of it for a while or what. But if you think I’m gone – dead – and you watch this holo, then please know that somehow I will see you again. I don’t doubt that at all. Don’t give up on me. I will find you. Somehow. Even if it takes me the rest of my life, I will find you. How could I not?” 

“I see my life in three sections,” he continued. “The first part being with the Jedi seems like a different person. I actually think of Caleb Dume as a separate person.” 

Jacen’s head jerked around to look up at her. “What?” 

“I’ll explain in a moment. Just listen.” 

“He was so innocent and hopeful and full of light. And then comes the dark times where I tried to push the Force out of my life with alcohol and sex and any number of things that I’m not proud of. I went as far away from Caleb as possible. And then I met you.” Kanan stared out for a long while.  “You are the best part of my life, Hera. I am grateful every day for that chance meeting on Gorse. I’m sure you thought I was like an Ewok that just wouldn’t leave you alone – cute but annoying, right? But I knew I was supposed to be with you. I knew it the moment I heard your voice. I fell in love so hard and so fast. I know you don’t believe me, but Hera, let me put this out there. I spent nine years trying to hide everything about Caleb Dume. I spent three days with you and didn’t even hesitate to use the Force to stop that catwalk and save your life. I didn’t care who saw it, I just couldn’t let you die. So when I tell you I’ve loved you since the beginning, I mean that. And I will keep loving you until I take my last breath.” 

Again, Jacen’s eyes shifted between the holo of his father and his mother’s face. Hera couldn’t hold back the tear that fell down her cheek.  She always cried when she watched this section of the message. 

Kanan sighed. “I’m sorry I lied to you, but this mission is important. We can’t let the Sith take power. Whatever happens, know that I love you and I will see you again. Stay strong, and may the Force be with you. Kanan out.” 

As the holo went blank again, Jacen remained looking at the space where the image of Kanan had been. His eyes were full of tears, his mouth hanging open.

“Me? Was he talking about me?” Slowly, he turned to look up at Hera. 

“Yes, sweetheart. He was talking about you,” Hera confirmed. “And there’s more to it than this.” 

“More?” 

“Yes, one more. It’s probably going to be the most difficult one for you to watch, but it’s also the most important one.” 

Jacen nodded. “I want to see it.” 

“Okay, but before I turn it on, I don’t want you to be shocked when you see him.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“He’s blind in this one. His eyes won’t look the same. And he cut off all his hair,” she explained, shaking her head and making a face. “His hair is… awful, but his words are what’s important.” 

With a hard swallow, Jacen said, “Okay.” 

Hera turned on the holo and once again Kanan’s image appeared. He looked haggard and worn out, tense and worried. It took him a few long seconds to even speak. Hera watched as her son took in the features of this Kanan, hoping he’d see the man and not the blindness. 

“My thoughts are all muddled,” Kanan said in an uncharacteristically shaky voice. “There’s so much I need to tell you and I don’t know where to start.” He sighed ran a hand over his face. “I guess I should go chronologically. Okay? So, uh… ever since we landed on Lothal I’ve been seeing the kid. He’s in my mind all the time. I could feel him close by. And as the days went on that presence got stronger and stronger. So, I took that to mean that he was here. I even had them do a basic search through some records looking for him, because I know his name now. It’s Jacen. His name is Jacen.” 

Jacen gasped and covered his mouth again. 

“They didn’t find anything. Obviously. And then came the word that the Empire had captured you. I immediately went out to meditate on it, to look for the best direction in helping you. What I was shown was not how to help you but that you weren’t alone. And it hit me so squarely in the chest.” Kanan thumped his hand against his heart. “Because I know who he is now. All the thoughts, all the visions, they all make perfect sense now.” 

“See, a long time ago just after I first met you, I had a vision of you with a baby. You were in some kind of a forest, and I didn’t see me anywhere.  We weren’t together at that time anyway.  I always knew you would be a mother, but I assumed I wouldn’t be part of that future. Later I had the feeling that maybe you and I… but it wasn’t anything solid. Now, I know the reason I didn’t see me… because I’m not going to be there.” 

Kanan took a big breath in and closed his eyes. “I need you to listen to me very closely, Hera.” As his eyes opened, Hera noticed that Jacen sat back a little, feeling the weight of Kanan’s sightless stare just as she had so many times. “You are the strongest person I know – that I have ever known. I know you. I know that were the situation reversed, I wouldn’t be able to go on without you, but you don’t have that option. You can’t give up. You have to keep going. You have to rely on every ounce of the strength I know is inside of you to get through this. For you. For him. Because I’ve seen you on the other side of this war. And I’ve seen you with him.” 

Hera looked over at Jacen. Even though she’d heard these words dozens of times. The impact was a hundred times more powerful as she considered what they meant to her son. His eyes were full of unshed tears – tears she knew would begin to fall freely as he heard what else Kanan would say. 

“He’s going to be afraid, Hera,” Kanan said. “I feel an anger and fear and… almost a helplessness from him. Not as a child, but as he gets older. He’s strong in the Force and there’s no one there to help him.  I’m not sure where Ezra is, but I don’t see him around for a long time. So that means it’s just you. I think that’s why I’ve been making these holos. You can show them to him. Maybe they can help him. But I wouldn’t show him until he’s a little older – until he needs them. He’ll tell you when he needs to see them. ‘Cause he’ll be lost, and maybe these can help him find his way.” 

Jacen made a whimpering noise beside her, and she reached out to put her arm around him, knowing what was coming next had the potential to change everything. 

“So that means…” Kanan swallowed hard having personally realized what he had to do, “if you show these to him, then he’s watching them. So he’s watching now. Yeah.” Kanan took in few steady breaths and said, “Hi Jacen. I know you’re struggling.  I know…” Kanan’s voice became thick and full of gravel. “Believe me, I know what it is to be fourteen… and feel the Force… and have no one to help you. I know that. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy, but I will tell you that you can do this. Your mother can help you. She helped me. Listen to her. Believe her. I’m so sorry I’m not there. Whatever you think, I didn’t want this to happen. I would never want to leave you, but you’re with the one person who will never give up on you. Believe me, of the two of us, you’re with the more capable parent!” 

Jacen looked up at Hera, openly crying now. She could see the guilt on his young face, and pushed back his messy hair. “It’s okay,” she hushed as she kissed his head. 

“Now, there are a few things I can do for you,” Kanan continued.  “My holocron is yours. Your mom will give it to you. You should be able to sense its energy. When you are in tune with the Force, at peace, and have the right intention in your heart, it will open for you. You’ll get frustrated with it because that’s the lesson. But eventually you’ll open it. It has lessons inside. Information. Use it. Use it well. And always hold on to the light.” 

Kanan shifted. “Now this is strange but… something happens to my lightsaber?” He said it as a question with a puzzled look on his face. “But it comes back to you? I’m not sure what that means, but eventually you will have my lightsaber. And Hera, I’m sure you know this but don’t give it to him when he’s too young. Maybe fourteen? You keep half and give him the other half so he has to ask you when he wants to practice.” Kanan was talking very quickly now. “And Jacen, be very careful with it. Start small and don’t rush into anything. I’ve known grown Jedi who accidentally cut their arms and legs off, and I don’t want you going through life missing a limb. I’m not saying that to be prophetic or anything. I’m just saying that as a concerned fa – ” Kanan stopped and wet his lips. Considerably quieter, he said, “As your father, I worry.” 

He took another steading breath. “About your training – and again this is confusing to me. The future is always in motion, and the Force doesn’t paint a clear picture all the time. But I see a man walking in the sky. I interpret that to be a Skywalker.” 

Jacen sat up straight and looked between his mother and the hologram, pointing a knowing finger at his father’s face. 

“Here’s the thing – the only Skywalker I knew of was a Jedi who supposedly died in the attack at the Jedi temple from Order 66. Supposedly. So I’m not sure if this is him or…. Anyway, what I do know is that you aren’t supposed to go with him. He isn’t supposed to train you. Someone else will help you. That’s probably difficult to hear, but I know this more certainly than I know most things with the Force. Hera, you can not let him go with the Skywalker. I see a darkness there.” 

Hera saw Jacen’s shoulders slump a little and he sighed. 

Through the holo, there was another voice calling to Kanan, who turned slightly to acknowledge the person. “I’ll be right there.” Again, he focused forward, suddenly looking much older and very serious. “I have to go. I have to go save you. Both.” His mouth formed a hard line. “I love you,” he said firmly. “And Hera, listen to me…  I know. Don’t ever think that I didn’t know. You’ve told me in the way that you touch me, or kiss me, or reach for my hand, or stayed by me, and well, everything since Malachor. So I _know_. I think that’s why I pushed so hard for you to say it, because I know. I feel it. And Jacen… you’ve been with me for so long. I’ve seen you. I’ve watched for you. Hoped for you. Worried about you. Wanted you. Both of you have made all of this so worth it. I love you. I always will. The Force… It’s always existed. It’s with me, and it never ends. And the Force will be with you… always…and so will I.  Kanan out.” 

The holo went blank and a thick silence filled the room. After a moment, a sniffle came from Jacen. Hera looked down at him as his eyes looked up at her. Without words, he collapsed against her in a sob that broke from his chest. She held him against her, letting him feel what he needed to feel. 

“I’m sorry, mom,” he said against her shoulder. 

“It’s okay,” she said. 

“No, it’s not.” 

She put him back from her slightly so she could look at him. “You didn’t know, and now you do. It’s fine. We’re going to be fine.” 

“I just…” Jacen shook his head, “I think he would have been so mad at me. Or disapointed” 

“No,” she corrected.  “He would have understood.  He loved you.” Hera brushed away a tear from his face. “He loved you so much.” 

Jacen nodded. “Yeah.  I know. I just… This is just a lot to take in.” 

“I know.” 

“Can I watch it again?” 

“Anytime.” 

“Now? I wanna watch it again now.” 

Hera smiled, and started the holo recording back at the beginning. 

Jacen watched the whole thing about five times that night. Stopping and asking questions. Stopping to consider certain things. Stopping to study his father’s smile. 

The next day, he started searching the holonet. He searched for everything he could find on Caleb Dume. Then Depa Bilaba. Then Mace Windu. He read everything and watched everything that Master Skywalker reinstated about the Jedi. Taking notes. And he watched his father’s holos. Over and over again. Taking notes and comparing them with what he had learned from other sources. Getting out the holocron to look at it. Studying it. Meditating over it. For months on end. 

Eventually, he opened it. 

In time, Hera shared Kanan’s lightsaber with him. He learned about the seven forms of lightsaber combat. At first he focused on Soresu in honor of his father, but later discovered that he preferred Ataru. It was faster and more reliable offensively. The Force told him he would need it. The Force was right, as usual. 

He did learn and grow in the Force. And when his teacher eventually appeared, he was very ready to be taught. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I REFUSE to believe that Kanan didn't know about Jacen. If you've read my other Rebels fanfic, you know I have him realize that Hera is pregnant at a different point in the story. I like both situations. One way or the other, I know he knew. 
> 
> Lastly, if you read fan fiction regularly, please leave a kudos or a comment when you do. I can't stress this enough! Even if the fic is old or you don't think the author will respond, leave a sign that you enjoyed what they shared. There is no comment too short or too long. No comment that isn't valued. I have been part of the fan fiction world for about 20 years now and I can assure you that every fan fiction writer wants and thrives on feedback. In situations where our loved characters (like Kanan and Hera... or like in my other fandom of Sherlock and Molly) We aren't getting more stories of their lives together, it's in fan fiction where they live on. Keep writing and keep reading and keep encouraging each other! Thank you for taking time out of your lives to read my little story.


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